grandma

happy birthday grandma.  you are in your late nineties. ninety seven to be exact.  but not here on this earth.  you lived as long as you could and much past when you wanted.  the losses and pain that you faced in life were many.  you grew harsh.  i want to learn from that.  i want to make a different choice. tomorrow is the date that you died.  yesterday the date that you were born.  and today, i feel like i'm standing at the day in between.  it's a strange sensation.  i don't really understand it.  maybe it's just that i have learned so much in the last couple of years.  have learned how to give and receive love again. have learned that i deserve to be seen.  to be heard.
you were so angry at me when you were dying.  yet, this is the anniversary of one of the hardest nights of my life.  i stayed on the floor in your hospice room.  cold.  uncomfortable.  exhausted from the weeks of visiting first the hospital and then hospice every single day.  alone.  i was all alone.  everyone left.  i stayed with you.  i sat near you.  talked to you.  i wept.
i listened as you breathed less.  and then as you had the horrible "death rattle".  and then you were gone.  and i had to pack up your stuff.  get your pillow cases.  why do i remember that?  it was so surreal.  i had to wait alone for the coroner to come.  for you to be taken away.  and then i had to drive home.  alone.  in the pitch black.  absolutely spent.  unable to explain the experience that was death.
though you were angry.  though i disappointed you in almost every way.  still, i loved you.  and still, though it was a hard relationship, i miss you.  you were family.
but, i am glad that i am learning to let go of the hard parts and hold on to the good.
say hi to my mom.  i'm sure that the two of you have spent some amazing days.
love, me.