All By Myself

I am strong.  I am able.  And, with God, I am able to do much all by myself.  But there are some things that I need help with.  And I am learning.  Learning that it's ok to ask.  That it's ok for people to say yes.  Or no.  That it's ok to feel like I need help...without guilt.  I am more fragile than i sometimes remember.  Today I woke up and I desperately wanted to go to church with my kids.  To worship with them.  But, I just can't even picture walking in.  And, I've been really brave about so much.  It's just too hard.  Too much.  Too alone.  The saddest thing is that from day one I was the one that kept us in church.  Kept our kids going.  Kept us involved even when we moved.  Even when it was really hard.  But now it is his place.  I think about finding a new church, a new place...but I love my family.  I guess I could find a place to sneak in and sneak out.  But that's not worship to me.  He teaches the Sunday School that the kids are in....so they have to go to the same service.  So, I can't even take every other week or something.  I need to have the grace to do this.  I wanted the courage to walk right in today and sit with my kids.  It's just hard to be brave alone.  I need to feel.....protected.  Like someone has my back.  And while that sounds foolish, it is huge.  For me.  And I am allowed to have my own feelings and my own needs.  Without feeling badly about it.  I am learning that I don't have to do it all by myself.  And I'm learning that if it is too hard, I can wait.  Pray.  I will grow stronger.  The pain will ease.  And my heart will heal.  Just not quite there yet.
grace to you.