Smart

I am smart.  I forget that.  Or deny it to myself.  I am smarter than I think.  My smart is not media, social icons or who's who.  Frankly, I don't care who is singing the song or the name of the person in the movie.  I know.  Shocking.  I care whether I like what they are doing.  I would feel differently if it was someone I could KNOW. But I find a lot of hype in our culture about people most of us have never met and certainly will never even know.  Yet, everyone writes about them, talks about them, judges them.....like they are some family member or something.  I don't know them.  I like or don't like what they do.  I don't need all of their stats and glam photos and fat photos and foibles.  I just like to enjoy them in a movie or on the radio.  Definitely not celebrity smart.  And, in our culture, that kind of smart is what people like.  It's the center of many conversations.  Maybe that's why I have always felt so awkward about going to those parties where you are supposed to mix and chat.  I am inept.  I would rather talk about the person in front of me....get to know her....than discuss the latest whatever that whoever did.  Because, generally, I don't even know.
But, I do know when someone is stressed or hurting.  I do know when somebody needs a friend. That I can be smart about.
And I am smart about how to get things done.  I might not get it all, but I know how to put a plan in place to get a project completed.
And I am smart about myself.  I had forgotten to be for a long long time.  Played dumb.  Let my whole self decline.  That's stupid.  Not because I am stupid....but because I put aside what I KNOW in order to try to meet what he WANTS.  Today, standing in my kitchen, I realized anew....he never wanted ME.  He wanted someone who would be what he wants.  Do what he wants.  Someone who DOESN'T  feel good about her so that she will work really hard to get her self esteem from making him feel better and look good.  Wow.  How in the world did I fall into that pit?  Why would I allow it?  I'm too smart for that.  I would have thought. But, I really believe that love and commitment are important.  I believe that God wants me to make things work.  However........not at all costs.  God doesn't need to sacrifice another child to cover sin or to meet needs.  And, I wouldn't be a candidate anyway......certainly not perfect.  He does not need me to be sacrificed so that my marriage can live.  Note that I am not saying that He doesn't need me to make sacrifices.  That is normal and healthy.  But, when the sacrifices crossed a line.  When they became not how to put the toilet paper on the roll or where to go out to dinner or how many people to have over for a birthday....when they became about not being able to be THIS person.  The one person I ever get to be....then, that was too much and I should have said no.  But, even though I've now said no, he doesn't care.  He just keeps trying to have what he had.  Manipulating and making every last thing, every conversation, every feeling....about him.
But today I realized and embraced and am going to sit around and enjoy the thought for awhile:  My job is to live.  To be healthy.  To please God.  To have the voice He gave me.  To love.  To be kind.  But, I do not have to PLEASE anyone here on this earth.  Now, hopefully I will.  But, it is not a life's goal.  Because when it is.....it destroys.  I thought that in marriage I should.  At all costs.  Give it all up.  I was not smart.  But, now I am.
grace to you.