Last night. In the middle of a very long night...headache from hell.....I had a revelation that was really strange considering my condition and discomfort. I have made choices that are making me happy. When I had to get up and work at getting rid of my headache, I didn't have to worry about someone else. I used to be guilted that he couldn't go back to sleep. Mercy. I put up with that kind of behavior...having to protect him ALL of the time...even when I was having a needy moment. And last night, I got to get up and take care of myself without that stress. It was WONDERFUL. And though my life might not look like others think it should, that doesn't matter. I am in a place where I am at least able to function. Able to sleep when I need to...at least generally.
And, I am strong. Because I made these choices. And I stuck to them. Even though it has been amazingly hard. I am finding out that I am able. I am remembering again that I do know what I need. And that I don't need to get permission to do what I need. That's what happened. Over the years, it became more and more clear that doing or having what I need was unacceptable, so I crushed it into a ball and tried to get rid of it. But, just like when I ball up paper to throw it away, after awhile, it opens back up and takes up more space. The feelings and needs could only stay crushed for so long.
And the other good revelation was that I am happier because I am not looking to him or how to feel about me. It used to be that I felt that if he was happy then I must be a good wife. Hmmm. Maybe so, but I wasn't a good person. I wasn't even really my own person. I was simply an extension of what he wanted and needed. And you know what? People who love us help us to be who WE are. They see our personality, dreams, desires, wants....and they help us to make them come true. And they actually listen to us when it's not about them. It's funny...it's still that way with him. He asks cursory questions about me in an effort to do what he "needs" to so that I'll go back to meeting his needs. But, really....he doesn't listen. He still, after over a year, doesn't know what I did in the schools I taught in last year. No clue. Yet, he can remember everything....songs, statistics, dates, trivia.....it's not a memory problem. It's an interest problem. I don't interest him.
And that's ok. I can be happy. He can be happy. Life is far from over. Lots of living left to do. Though some things really hurt....I am learning to choose. And to follow through. And that's a good thing.
grace to you.
And, I am strong. Because I made these choices. And I stuck to them. Even though it has been amazingly hard. I am finding out that I am able. I am remembering again that I do know what I need. And that I don't need to get permission to do what I need. That's what happened. Over the years, it became more and more clear that doing or having what I need was unacceptable, so I crushed it into a ball and tried to get rid of it. But, just like when I ball up paper to throw it away, after awhile, it opens back up and takes up more space. The feelings and needs could only stay crushed for so long.
And the other good revelation was that I am happier because I am not looking to him or how to feel about me. It used to be that I felt that if he was happy then I must be a good wife. Hmmm. Maybe so, but I wasn't a good person. I wasn't even really my own person. I was simply an extension of what he wanted and needed. And you know what? People who love us help us to be who WE are. They see our personality, dreams, desires, wants....and they help us to make them come true. And they actually listen to us when it's not about them. It's funny...it's still that way with him. He asks cursory questions about me in an effort to do what he "needs" to so that I'll go back to meeting his needs. But, really....he doesn't listen. He still, after over a year, doesn't know what I did in the schools I taught in last year. No clue. Yet, he can remember everything....songs, statistics, dates, trivia.....it's not a memory problem. It's an interest problem. I don't interest him.
And that's ok. I can be happy. He can be happy. Life is far from over. Lots of living left to do. Though some things really hurt....I am learning to choose. And to follow through. And that's a good thing.
grace to you.
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