Twice Hurt

The whole marriage being lousy thing is nothing new.  It's not even really news.  Everyone knows what you are talking about.  Everyone knows how hard it can be.  It's like women of my age are simply aware that the hope that we carried was carried by us alone.  That we had managed to make it a very long time running our own love and caring.  That being filled by our spouse was unusual.  But that anytime he did the good thing, it gave us a little breath and we dove in and kept on swimming.  Waiting for the next breath.  It's no great big secret.  It's not mean.  It's not that the women I know are hateful.  Quite the opposite.  Well, you know, mostly at least.  It's just that eventually, all of the praying and trying to change and carrying the responsibility of the well being of the other without reciprocation while taking full responsibility when not making him happy......eventually, it causes a crack. And that crack finally breaks open.  And the women think, "I HAVE to breathe."  I know that  is how I felt.  Like there wasn't any air left for me in the marriage.  Like I shared everything I had but nothing was put back in. And it hurts deeply to realize that even after giving everything she is, sacrificing who she was, caring for him, working as hard as possible, praying to change to be willing to keep on giving......it hurts that when it's all over, there are those who just don't see.
And the saddest part is that those who just don't see are often those who belong to Jesus.  And I think that they really do.  And I think that they really mean well.  I get it. But that doesn't mean that I, and the women who have suffered similarly, aren't hurt all over again.  By having to explain.  By being talked about.  By not being viewed as quite as good.
Sometimes I want to stand up and announce to everyone that it REALLY was THAT horrible.  That I really had gotten to the point where I couldn't function.  I understood that I was supposed to give.  To sacrifice.  To make it work.  But there was no foundation to build on.  My faith.  He leaned on it all of those years.  Like a raft in the middle of a raging ocean storm.  But the thing is that I'm not God.  I'm able to carry to walk beside. But not carry forever.  Not be the one to blame for anything that goes wrong.  Truly, it makes me understand how viewpoint must hurt God's heart.  I'm not able to be used for the rest of my life without consequences.
I want to say that I do realize the promise.  But that two people stood to make that promise and the only part he is interested in is that I don't leave him.  He has no interest in making that easier or a pleasure.  I want people to know.  I want to let them in.  And let them feel as they may about me.  But it's not my choice. Because it's a story of two.  And I still can't divide it.  So, I am twice hurt.  Like so many women.  Because light is not shined on the situation.  It is simply viewed from the outside and deemed "wrong".  Sinful.
It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't actually given all.  After I absolutely knew that he truly was ashamed of me....that he didn't view me as equal and as good as himself, nor feel proud of me.....I worked hard to "improve my marriage."  Really hard.  Every single day.  Got pregnant with my last child in that time.  But now, if he does one kind thing, or one thing right, I'm supposed to decide to take one more breath and dive under again.  But I won't.  And that is what people just can't understand.  It's what I can't even understand.  Because it was supposed to be forever.  Because I gave so much of who I was to make it work.  Yet, now, I can't dive under again.  I know that I'd never come back up.  I took my last dive.  Now, it's time to forgive and let go.  To be kind but to be honest.  He does not love me.  Never really has.  There are a lot of things he wants.  There are lots of ways he feels jealous.  There are lots of fears.  But he doesn't love me.....needs, maybe.  But none of it has me in the equation on the receiving end.
I finally have worked through....on a have to renew it each day basis....how to forgive.  How to act kindly.  But that makes him mad too.  Not enough.  I don't have to please him.  I have to live in a way that is pleasing and honoring to the One who made me.  That's hard to separate.  But I am learning.  I have spent a LONG time being the wife of this man......and forgetting that I'm FIRST, the child of the King.  I became the servant, but forgot that I was allowed to be the beloved.  He took so much from me that I will never be able to voice or explain to anyone.  So, they will judge.  They will talk.  They will wonder.  They will advise.  But, I will have to live with it without my chance to say my piece.  Because though I hate letting them down.  Though I would like to HAVE the fairy tale.....and, it DOES exist, I have witnessed it......I don't want to PLAY a part in a fairy tale.
Hurt once.  Hurt twice.  Still standing.  Still believing in fairy tales.
grace to you.