Sweet Man Child,
Do you remember those days of clarity of mind? When you remembered how good it was to be told the truth? To be challenged? Do you yet remember those times when your mind was not numbed by chemicals, your soul and spirit muted? Do you ever think about those wonderful days when you chose to live free of those things that stimulate or depress? When you actually realized that you weren't in control. But that indeed, those chemicals were in control. Your body dependent in order to function. To feel. To stop feeling. To go to sleep. To wake up.
Do you remember when you realized how deeply your family loved you? How after everything, they held you dear in their hearts. When you lied. When you stole. When you screamed. When you ran away. When you lashed out. When you ignored them. When you threatened their peace and safety. When you worried them. Yet, do you remember how they stood with you? Beside you? Praying. Uplifting. Encouraging. But, telling the truth. Not lying to you as those others did.
Do you remember the ones who would have left you for dead from alcohol poisoning in order to save themselves from trouble? Who spewed horrible things about you and the ones who love you when you began to recover? Do you remember how little they cared? How they ran away? Do you see how you love the ones who are simply using you? And use the ones who really love you?
Oh why does it seem that you have forgotten all of the good that you were going to do? The way you longed to help your mama. The promises you made to your siblings. Why have you chosen to follow the path of the chemically dependent? Don't you remember how empty it left you? With only rebellion and anger to hold onto? Why must you battle with all who actually care? Why do you push away those who long to look up to you? Why do you choose defiance and deceit over peace and kindness?
The truth is that I don't know. And I'm not sure that you know. But I will remember for you who you want to be. I will hold onto your dreams and treasure them until you are ready to pick them up again and nurture them along.
Oh, live your life with care. Think through your choices. For I do not want your dreams to be all I have left of you. I love you. You are dear. You are precious. But I will never settle for allowing you to live a life that makes a mockery of the commitments you have made. I won't bow to trying to be popular with you or your supposed friends. Because you were made for so much more. A mind full of ideas. Abilities to think and draw and create. A strong body. A strong spirit. No, I won't settle. I love you now. In this moment. But I love the one I know. Not the one you pretend to be in your effort of self assertion. Of defiance. Of rebellion. Getting to choose, getting to be a grown up doesn't mean that you have to prove it by making the BAD choices. It means that you get to choose what is good and decent for you.
I miss you, dear one. I look forward to your return.
grace to you.
Do you remember those days of clarity of mind? When you remembered how good it was to be told the truth? To be challenged? Do you yet remember those times when your mind was not numbed by chemicals, your soul and spirit muted? Do you ever think about those wonderful days when you chose to live free of those things that stimulate or depress? When you actually realized that you weren't in control. But that indeed, those chemicals were in control. Your body dependent in order to function. To feel. To stop feeling. To go to sleep. To wake up.
Do you remember when you realized how deeply your family loved you? How after everything, they held you dear in their hearts. When you lied. When you stole. When you screamed. When you ran away. When you lashed out. When you ignored them. When you threatened their peace and safety. When you worried them. Yet, do you remember how they stood with you? Beside you? Praying. Uplifting. Encouraging. But, telling the truth. Not lying to you as those others did.
Do you remember the ones who would have left you for dead from alcohol poisoning in order to save themselves from trouble? Who spewed horrible things about you and the ones who love you when you began to recover? Do you remember how little they cared? How they ran away? Do you see how you love the ones who are simply using you? And use the ones who really love you?
Oh why does it seem that you have forgotten all of the good that you were going to do? The way you longed to help your mama. The promises you made to your siblings. Why have you chosen to follow the path of the chemically dependent? Don't you remember how empty it left you? With only rebellion and anger to hold onto? Why must you battle with all who actually care? Why do you push away those who long to look up to you? Why do you choose defiance and deceit over peace and kindness?
The truth is that I don't know. And I'm not sure that you know. But I will remember for you who you want to be. I will hold onto your dreams and treasure them until you are ready to pick them up again and nurture them along.
Oh, live your life with care. Think through your choices. For I do not want your dreams to be all I have left of you. I love you. You are dear. You are precious. But I will never settle for allowing you to live a life that makes a mockery of the commitments you have made. I won't bow to trying to be popular with you or your supposed friends. Because you were made for so much more. A mind full of ideas. Abilities to think and draw and create. A strong body. A strong spirit. No, I won't settle. I love you now. In this moment. But I love the one I know. Not the one you pretend to be in your effort of self assertion. Of defiance. Of rebellion. Getting to choose, getting to be a grown up doesn't mean that you have to prove it by making the BAD choices. It means that you get to choose what is good and decent for you.
I miss you, dear one. I look forward to your return.
grace to you.
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