I had a very brave weekend. And I am very thankful. Had a party for my son who is going to be 17. That was fun. I didn't panic much. I had moments of anxiety, but they were tolerable and beyond that, I realized that I can do this. That my husband's view of me doesn't have to be my view of me. That I don't need to carry the anxiety and pain for every time he makes his digs or tries to make me uncomfortable. I can simply enjoy what IS.
It is notable that he didn't help at all. Didn't get a card. Didn't help set up. Didn't help clean up. But, he can't stand it when I put everyone at the same table. I held my ground and didn't let him remove the places. I don't like for people to show up and not have a place.....makes them feel excluded or unexpected. I want them to feel welcome. And I get to choose. I plan the event. I do the shopping. I got the chairs and made the table big. I get to choose. I am allowed to feel welcoming to more than just him.
I am getting my life together. Learning that I can be strong without being a b****. But, also learning that when I am strong, some think of me as a b****. Kinda weird. But, I guess that I can live with it. Because the alternative just doesn't work.
Now, don't think that I need it all my way all of the time. I don't. Give and take is ok with me. I am just getting to the point where I can choose for myself how important something is to me. And whether to give in, give up or......stand firm. Without guilt. Without resentment. Without meanness. Just firm. Unmoving. It's harder to do than simply getting angry. And, while angry has a time and place, some situations just don't warrant my anger. Sometimes all it needs is for me to say no.
Have to say though....it did wear me out. Between the headache from hell that has been raging and the emotional struggles.....I feel wrung out. That's ok. I can rest and grow strong for yet another day. I don't have to battle all of the time. I can just be me. What a thought. He doesn't like it much. So, he didn't help clean up. Nor speak to me after others left. And what he probably didn't realize is that it really didn't matter. I'm fine doing for myself and the kids.
I'm going to be ok. I can feel myself breathing easier. Getting stronger. Believing that I might be an ok person. That perhaps...maybe....it's not all my fault because I'm simply unlovable. Maybe HE doesn't love me, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth it. And it's not just a thought anymore, it's becoming real.
in. out. in. out. in. out. in. out. in. out.
Breathing feels good. It shouldn't be only for special occasions.
grace to you.
It is notable that he didn't help at all. Didn't get a card. Didn't help set up. Didn't help clean up. But, he can't stand it when I put everyone at the same table. I held my ground and didn't let him remove the places. I don't like for people to show up and not have a place.....makes them feel excluded or unexpected. I want them to feel welcome. And I get to choose. I plan the event. I do the shopping. I got the chairs and made the table big. I get to choose. I am allowed to feel welcoming to more than just him.
I am getting my life together. Learning that I can be strong without being a b****. But, also learning that when I am strong, some think of me as a b****. Kinda weird. But, I guess that I can live with it. Because the alternative just doesn't work.
Now, don't think that I need it all my way all of the time. I don't. Give and take is ok with me. I am just getting to the point where I can choose for myself how important something is to me. And whether to give in, give up or......stand firm. Without guilt. Without resentment. Without meanness. Just firm. Unmoving. It's harder to do than simply getting angry. And, while angry has a time and place, some situations just don't warrant my anger. Sometimes all it needs is for me to say no.
Have to say though....it did wear me out. Between the headache from hell that has been raging and the emotional struggles.....I feel wrung out. That's ok. I can rest and grow strong for yet another day. I don't have to battle all of the time. I can just be me. What a thought. He doesn't like it much. So, he didn't help clean up. Nor speak to me after others left. And what he probably didn't realize is that it really didn't matter. I'm fine doing for myself and the kids.
I'm going to be ok. I can feel myself breathing easier. Getting stronger. Believing that I might be an ok person. That perhaps...maybe....it's not all my fault because I'm simply unlovable. Maybe HE doesn't love me, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth it. And it's not just a thought anymore, it's becoming real.
in. out. in. out. in. out. in. out. in. out.
Breathing feels good. It shouldn't be only for special occasions.
grace to you.
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