I still just don't function right when my husband is in the house. On edge. Shaky. Oh, I'm much better...I CHOOSE to be better. But, I still escape to books and electronics and don't face trying to do what I want to do. I still simply leave under the guise of something I need to get done...which, I usually do have, but making it take longer has become an art form. A trip to the store means I am sure to take a book to read in the parking lot. Any errand can be extended.
So, I'm functioning so much better than I was, but still not complete. I can't be me. And, this morning I feel that icky headache gathering. It has been stressful. However, I had a great night's sleep. Fabulous. I want to do what I want to do. What I need to do. But, I have kept my painting stuff out for six weeks without using it again....or more. Because the last time I did it, he was out of town.
I don't know how to make it all better, so I am focusing on making me better. Whole. Strong. Peaceful. A little at a time. He powerfully takes that away though. Does things intended to make me feel small. But I am learning that it is my choice how to feel. When something hurts, I need to evaluate the intent behind it. Some hurts are good and some are not. Some come from those who have my best interest at heart and some do not. I must be wise and not fall under every little hurtful thing. And yet.....isn't it terrible that the one I work hardest to protect my heart from is the one I thought I would spend all of my life loving and being safe with? How did I so miss the signs? The indicators that he is indeed about him?
He's not an awful man. Meet him on the street or at a party and he's quite nice. He's funny. He's smart. He's a hard worker. But there's this part that I know all too well that terrifies me. Reserved for keeping me feeling less than enough so that I keep the status quo. So that I don't see that maybe there is so much more. What he doesn't get is that I have finally realized. I see. And I am being kind. I am allowing him to stay. I made a CHOICE. I am not being tricked anymore. I am allowing it because at the moment it is better for all to live in truth but not to separate. I don't want my kids in the middle of a battle. And, I don't want him to go having to give me money for them or me. As it is now, he would have to pay child support. I don't want it. I want to figure it all out and be wise. I want to prayerfully go forward. But, I only began to heal when I decided that I did NOT have to nor intend to spend the rest of my life under this mess.
So, I guess that I am functioning. Though it is with difficulty sometimes. I am growing. I am learning how to be cared for by others. Learning to tell my story. To teach the young what to look for. That's important to me.
I'm learning that I am NOT alone. Not just because of God, but because He sends so many wonderful people into my life to learn from and to love. And.....who actually love me and meet my heart needs without any fuss. For that I am incredibly thankful.
And you are not alone either. Though it feels like it sometimes. I know how it feels. You are in my heart. I am praying for you. Helping to carry your burden.
grace to you.
So, I'm functioning so much better than I was, but still not complete. I can't be me. And, this morning I feel that icky headache gathering. It has been stressful. However, I had a great night's sleep. Fabulous. I want to do what I want to do. What I need to do. But, I have kept my painting stuff out for six weeks without using it again....or more. Because the last time I did it, he was out of town.
I don't know how to make it all better, so I am focusing on making me better. Whole. Strong. Peaceful. A little at a time. He powerfully takes that away though. Does things intended to make me feel small. But I am learning that it is my choice how to feel. When something hurts, I need to evaluate the intent behind it. Some hurts are good and some are not. Some come from those who have my best interest at heart and some do not. I must be wise and not fall under every little hurtful thing. And yet.....isn't it terrible that the one I work hardest to protect my heart from is the one I thought I would spend all of my life loving and being safe with? How did I so miss the signs? The indicators that he is indeed about him?
He's not an awful man. Meet him on the street or at a party and he's quite nice. He's funny. He's smart. He's a hard worker. But there's this part that I know all too well that terrifies me. Reserved for keeping me feeling less than enough so that I keep the status quo. So that I don't see that maybe there is so much more. What he doesn't get is that I have finally realized. I see. And I am being kind. I am allowing him to stay. I made a CHOICE. I am not being tricked anymore. I am allowing it because at the moment it is better for all to live in truth but not to separate. I don't want my kids in the middle of a battle. And, I don't want him to go having to give me money for them or me. As it is now, he would have to pay child support. I don't want it. I want to figure it all out and be wise. I want to prayerfully go forward. But, I only began to heal when I decided that I did NOT have to nor intend to spend the rest of my life under this mess.
So, I guess that I am functioning. Though it is with difficulty sometimes. I am growing. I am learning how to be cared for by others. Learning to tell my story. To teach the young what to look for. That's important to me.
I'm learning that I am NOT alone. Not just because of God, but because He sends so many wonderful people into my life to learn from and to love. And.....who actually love me and meet my heart needs without any fuss. For that I am incredibly thankful.
And you are not alone either. Though it feels like it sometimes. I know how it feels. You are in my heart. I am praying for you. Helping to carry your burden.
grace to you.
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