Being able to do things depends on the timing. Trying to force myself to do things that I'm absolutely not ready to do simply causes stress, worry and pain. But, waiting for the right time brings joy. I went to church today. It was hard. But, it was time. I walked out the door and I went to the car. I got to the church and parked the car. I walked in the building. I got a bulletin. I walked up and sat down. Near my family. And I stayed. For the first time in a long time....actually stayed. Actually was able to worship. It was good. And very hard.
I remember when I was taking swimming lessons. The final test was to be able to jump off of the diving board. The tall one. I was terrified. I was trying every day during free swim. Climb up the steps. Back down. Climb up the steps, begin to walk....turn around and go back down. Climb up the steps, walk to the end, turn around and climb back down. Climb up the steps, walk to the end, peer down, bounce a bit....turn around and climb back down. Climb the steps, walk to the end, don't look at all.......jump. It took me a lot of time to get the courage to do it. No matter the humility of climbing back down, I just wasn't ready. It took baby steps to prepare me. Nobody could convince me. Nobody else could overcome my fear. Nobody could reason with me that it wasn't going to kill me because it hadn't killed any of those other kids jumping......I just needed to get ready. It needed to be the right time.
My life is "on time"...not by the world's clock, but by what God has planned for me. And I am learning to trust that. Learning to lean on Him and not suppose that He expects what people expect. And to trust His love and capabilities fully. I went back to church today. And it was right on time. I needed to grow strong. To grow in faith. To know again that I had value. I had truly forgotten. Nobody knows how deeply and horribly I've suffered with that. And, I guess that I don't have to let them know. Maybe someday. But for today, I will just revel in God's goodness to me. I did it. In Him. I am courageously hopeful.
grace to you.
I remember when I was taking swimming lessons. The final test was to be able to jump off of the diving board. The tall one. I was terrified. I was trying every day during free swim. Climb up the steps. Back down. Climb up the steps, begin to walk....turn around and go back down. Climb up the steps, walk to the end, turn around and climb back down. Climb up the steps, walk to the end, peer down, bounce a bit....turn around and climb back down. Climb the steps, walk to the end, don't look at all.......jump. It took me a lot of time to get the courage to do it. No matter the humility of climbing back down, I just wasn't ready. It took baby steps to prepare me. Nobody could convince me. Nobody else could overcome my fear. Nobody could reason with me that it wasn't going to kill me because it hadn't killed any of those other kids jumping......I just needed to get ready. It needed to be the right time.
My life is "on time"...not by the world's clock, but by what God has planned for me. And I am learning to trust that. Learning to lean on Him and not suppose that He expects what people expect. And to trust His love and capabilities fully. I went back to church today. And it was right on time. I needed to grow strong. To grow in faith. To know again that I had value. I had truly forgotten. Nobody knows how deeply and horribly I've suffered with that. And, I guess that I don't have to let them know. Maybe someday. But for today, I will just revel in God's goodness to me. I did it. In Him. I am courageously hopeful.
grace to you.
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