Reflections

Lots of thinking time today.  A good thing.  I have had lots of time to think about my marriage.  To realize that if my husband had decided ten years ago that I was worth it then I would have been able to just pick up and go on.  Or if he had decided four years ago when I absolutely begged him, I would have worked my butt off to make it alright.  And even up to that last breaking point day....I was always willing.  Always wanting to try.  Always wanting to help him.  Always wanting to meet his needs.  Even when he told me that it was easier for me to talk to my friends about things than to talk to him....that he doesn't like to talk about things more than once....not our relationship, just life stuff.  Even after he told me he wouldn't give me access to any of his money. Stood ready to cut up the credit card.  Even after he told me he was ashamed.  Even after he used me instead of making me feel special....physically.  Even after he chose his mother and family over me time after time.  Even after he treated our kids as if they weren't good enough.  So many things, but I really wanted to get past it all.  But, until I "moved out" of the room.  Until he realized that I really would do what I needed to do, he never did anything at all to help make it better.  He would only apologize if it had been hours of horrific word games and then his apology would come in the form of degrading himself to make me feel badly for him.  And finally.......at long last.....I decided that I needed to get healthy.  That I needed to learn how to really live. And that has been the path I've chosen.  Sadly, I'm not interested or in need of apologies or even remorse.  I'm glad if they are there.  That is good.  However, they effect me little now.  I know that it sounds harsh.  It's not that I don't desire to be kind.  It's just that I have had to guard my heart.  Literally.  Because I nearly lost everything.  Because I gave everything.  And that is good.  When the person or people are trustworthy with who you are.  But in this case, he is not.  So, though I know what he WANTS, I don't see that he has changed at all to see what I want or need.  He is sorry so that he can have back what I was to him.  Not so that he can help to make my life more wonderful.
I don't mean it in a selfish way.  I don't require much.  However, going back to how it was is simply not an option.  Ever.  Because it is demeaning.  What I had to do to make it work made me feel like a prostitute.  And marriage shouldn't be like that.  I do forgive.  It's just that.......I've mourned, cried, and moved on.  My heart needs to get stronger.  Without having to fix life for him.  I can and do forgive.  But not how he wishes.  But, finally I've learned......life isn't all about him.  And, how he feels and lives is his choice.  And how I feel and live is my choice.  I can't fix life for him.  I can't make him stronger.  I can't make him care.  I might help to change how he behaves, but it has never changed the core....and the core of who he is says that he is better.  Maybe he is.  I'm not really sure.  Probably it's true.  But I don't want to spend my life owing someone for condescending to be with me though I was lesser.  I don't want to spend any more of my life knowing that commitment is the reason he has to remain.  I want to be with people who can't imagine their lives without me.  Who love to make my life beautiful and happy without me having to fight for it.  I was strong and able to fight for it for a long time.  But after awhile, I just couldn't anymore.  I want to LIVE.  And I am thinking that all that I know will find me incredibly selfish.
It's just that I've finally found some sense.  Some peace.  Some meaning.  Joy.  Like stepping into the light.  And I don't want to go back.  It terrifies me.
grace to you.