I did it!!!

I feel so brave.  I bought clothes! hahahhaa.  AND, I went to an interview and actually got out real words and real thoughts.  I didn't worry about what they would want me to say, I simply said what I needed to. And I am willing to leave it there.
I have moments of panic.  I know that I need to work.  Yet, I have been carried thus far.  I will continue to be carried.  I am safe.
There is peace in simply knowing that I can rest.  Pretty nice actually.  Go.  Do my best.  Leave it there.
I didn't feel like a moron.  That was nice.
I liked the school.  That was nice too.
We'll see.....whatever is best for me.
blessings.

Not my will

You know, I know what I want.  Kinda.  Sorta.  I want a job that fits me.  But I don't know which one that is.  So, for me, it's all a matter of having faith in HIS plan for me.  Of letting go and waiting for the one that is the right thing for me.  And it's not simple.  And it's not easy.  And it's not comfortable.  But it is peaceful.  It is a safe place to be.  I'm not going to force anything or make up what I think someone wants to hear.  I'm going to be myself.  Because it's my self that has to live and work and breathe wherever I get a job.  And I want them to like me for me.
Last year I was too beaten down.  I am more confident this year, but still full of questions.  Wondering if I know enough.  If I will be "worthy".  If I'm not...then there is a different place for me.  Period. 
So I can go forward with confidence.  Though the hard part is telling people over and over..."no, they also didn't choose me." 
I can do this.  This interview.  I survived the dressing room at the store today.  Without tears.  Makes me feel pretty invincible. 
blessings.

Picture is worth a thousand words

I never knew how true that saying was.  Until now.  Or...maybe...a thousand emotions.  When I pick up some photos, they jolt me.  I remember how I felt, what was happening.  How I wished it was and how stressed I was.  A simple photo can totally throw me into a panic feeling.  Shallow breathing.  Fear. 
But, beyond that, I have to say that today I realized how free I am..free to think...to do....to accomplish...to hope....to make do....to encourage.  And though the past can still cause pain....it doesn't rule my days.
I get to choose.  And that is a very good thing.
blessings.

detox

No, I'm not a drug addict.  No, I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a thing for prescriptions.  Don't sniff nor whiff anything on purpose.  But, I am still working at detoxifying my body.  And my heart.  My body has been hurting for so much for so long and I have taken enough off brand tylenol to alleviate pain in the whole of Rhode Island.  But, lately, I have been taking supplements, drinking lots of water, and rather than taking tylenol pm, I have switched to an amazing herbal remedy.  I sleep well AND I don't have to worry about addiction nor ill effects.  I drink detox tea.  I work hard....sweating helps too, you know?
And I'm detoxing my heart too.  No, not the physical one.  The emotional one.  Learning to let go of all of that pain and stuff that was put in.  Learning to call it what it was.  And learning to be gentle with me.  And with those around me.  Learning to choose the woman I desire and am called to be without allowing those old voices to still destroy me.  I want to be gentle.  Kind.  Strong.  Tough.  Compassionate.  Gracious.  Generous.  Fun.  Silly.  Wise.  Instead, I had been crammed and pushed and belittled and questioned and hurt for so long that I was becoming more like someone simply trying to survive.  No more.  Each day is a new day.  Full of beauty and goodness.
I am detoxing.  Feels pretty good.
blessings.

Your Fears. My Fears

The things I fear.  The things that tie me up inside.  Those are often the things I desire most.  When afraid of rejection it's because we want acceptance.  When afraid of failure it's because we want so badly to succeed.  When afraid of an interview, it's because I want to be seen as competent and able.  But the thing is that my fears....your fears...aren't real things.  They are just thoughts about maybes.  They are just our desires wrapped up in the protective coating of "I shouldn't want this too much because it will be too hard and too embarrassing if I want it that much and fail."
So, often, we live rather wishy washy lives.  Never fully going after that thing that completely grips our soul.  But what if?  What if we really went for it?  What if we really failed?  Maybe we'd get further than we are now.  Maybe we would learn some things along the way that would help us get up and try again.  What if?  What if we let go of the idea that failure is embarrassing or humiliating?  What if we simply sought after the life that has been put inside of us?  Striving ever forward?  I think that we would change.  I think that our world would change. 
Maybe it's time to lay aside the fear that entangles us and run OUR race.  Maybe. 
blessings.

Party of One

My first all alone Memorial Day.  Kids with their dad.  He wanted them because I had to take them to buy shoes yesterday and so they cancelled on him.  Hey, he could have gotten them shoes.  But, they cancelled and so, they have to go today.  He got them all morning and early afternoon for the run.  Now he gets the late afternoon and evening.  I think that I'll eat mac and cheese.  I was going to take myself out to get something, but I have worked hard today and am ready to veg. 
It would be easier if they had wanted to go.  They just wanted to veg too. 
Well, guess I am done with my pity party.
blessings.

Interview

I had my first "pre-screen" interview on the phone for a teaching position today.  I get so nervous.  And I didn't really have a family to call and say, "pray for me, I'm really nervous."  But that's ok.  I prayed.  I know that God knows what job I need....or DON'T need.  He knows ME.  And while I may stutter and stumble over the words as I try to say what I think and believe in an interview, He already knows.  And He has prepared a way for me.
I will either get a follow up call and interview....or not. 
And I don't have to worry.  Because my life is not based upon an interview.  It is based upon following the path set before me.  Striving.  Working toward who and what I am created to be in order to impact my world...with His renown. 
Off to some more wonderful furniture playing today.

Fulfilled

Nobody really seems to want to hear it or see it....but I am fulfilled.  I am content.  I am happy.  I am absolutely giddy with being able to rest in God.  Trust Him.  See Him work.  Give Him credit.  Not a day goes by that He doesn't show something new.  Holds me close.  Helps me through.  I made it through church.  Only a little shivery. 
I took the kids to a nice lunch.  It was so good.  A really relaxed and talking time.  Sharing.  It was different.  Relaxed.  Back and forth.  Everyone participating.  Lovely.
Then running shoe shopping.....and blessed again.....half price day at our favorite store.  The greatest part about that is that my two kids were already at a local sporting goods store...big chain...and I just didn't feel good about it.  Our other store is a RUNNING store.  We always get the right shoes when we go there.  So, I told them that I would take them the 25 minute drive to get shoes...they had to hurry because it closed in an hour and a half.  They came home.  We went.  We got there and it was a HUGE event sale.  And I knew that the voice talking to me...that nagging feeling I'd had about them buying the shoes at the other place, had been God's prompting.  So glad I listened.  Last year I bought three pairs of shoes and a pair of shorts and paid over 400.  This year, I bought six pairs of shoes and shorts and paid 375.  Not cheap.  But good.  Right.  
My one son is buying his own shoes. :)  So, it cost me a lot less. 
Then, as we left the store, a woman called me about a free cabinet I had emailed about.  She was only three blocks from where we were!  We fit it in the trunk and drove home very carefully because the trunk wasn't closed all the way.
On my way, I passed the auction I had intended to go to.  I went back and got there in time for the last hour and a half.  I got a french provencial desk for 10....I've been looking for that style and they keep being way too high even at thrift stores.
I am all ready to get things cleaned up and painted and ready to go.  I spent 37 at the auction altogether and got two pieces of furniture and all kinds of metal pieces to plant in.  Can't wait.
Blessed.  Deeply and truly.  Cared for. 
And to think that a lot of it comes just in being able to "risk".  Not playing it safe but leaning wholly on Him.  Love it.  Love Him.  He changes me.
blessings.

Strength for Today. Hope for Tomorrow.

I am given strength.  For today.  The ability to do and be what I need.  For today.  The troubles begin when I worry about what I'll need for.........you guessed it...TOMORROW.  Tomorrow hasn't even come and yet sometimes, in my mind, I have already rolled on to worrying about it.  To wondering if I'll have the strength, the ability.  I am not given that strength in advance.  BUT, I am given hope.  The hope fills me up.  It allows me to see how I have been provided for today....and know that there is no reason that I won't be tomorrow.
I have a unique situation in that I have hurt for years.  My body just experiences crushing pain.  Yet, through all of that....still...given what I need for each day.  I have no idea how that works.  I just know that it is given.  I feel so blessed.  And when I'm too tired to go on...then it's time not to.  Time to rest.  And I've had to learn that is ok too.  I am not required nor expected to do everything, do it all or make things happen.  I need to be led.  I need to be willing.  I need to be peaceful.  I need to lean.  And I don't need to make anything happen.
I have done much today.  Looking for what else I should do today.  It's exciting.
So many possibilities.  And no requirements.  Free to live.  Daily.  Exuberantly.  Daringly.
blessings.

God is right on time and right on need.

I have wanted a porch railing since my beautiful porch came to be....oh, about six years or so.  Yesterday, at a salvage yard...a recycle/reuse home supplies store....my friend spied some nice railings.  Often they sell  by section.  And they are not cheap, but more reasonable than buying them new.  We cornered the "worker man"....who wears a patch on one eye and the nicest demeanor ever....and asked him "how much?"
"Do you want it all?" 
"Sure."
"Well.....how bout $25?"
"Sold," my friend burst out.
So, we went back home, got a vehicle that could transport them.  And went back out to get them.....half an hour each way....loaded them....brought them home, but just couldn't unload.
She came over and helped me unload this morning.  Do you know that every section is within inches of fitting the exact dimensions of MY porch?
No, it wasn't an accident.  It wasn't lucky.  It was a gift from my Father.  Right on time.  Right size.  Right for my needs.  Perfect, even.  I am blessed.  Now...I have MORE work to do.  And I'm giddy about it.  I plug away, one thing at a time.
But, I could behave as if it was all me.  As if I did this.  I could take the credit.  But you know what?  I am marveling at how He knew someone had donated exactly what I needed and led me there.  IT WASN'T EVEN ON THE PLAN TO STOP THERE!!! It was a later decision.  And, I wasn't even LOOKING for railings! 
I marvel.  I thank Him.  I give Him the glory.  For this seemingly little thing.  And for the really big things.  He amazes me. 
blessings.

The God Who Provides All My Needs.

I found great stuff today.  Railing for my porch.  I was gifted the metal that I had been fruitlessly searching for.  I found a great table for free.  I had someone inquire about buying the kind of dining room set that I am going to sell. 
I was amazingly blessed.  Beyond comprehension.  Beyond my understanding.  Because I don't deserve.  Or somehow do something right.  I just was simply....blessed.  Provided for.
I don't know if the people will buy the table or not.  But I know that if they do...it is a direct answer to prayer without me having to have done a thing. 
It's a very comforting sense.  Of being cared for.  Watched over.  Held.  Provided for.  Being able to lean.  Without someone constantly there to tell me what a bad place the world is and how I'd better do better...nope.  My Father knows me.  Made me.  Gets me.  He puts within me what I need to do.  He whispers to me.  He sings to me.  He rocks me to sleep and causes me to awake with joy and plans for a new day.  It's beautiful. 
Every need.  Every day.  Blessings unmerited.  Grace unwarranted.  Free.  Given.  To me.  I feel so unworthy.  I AM unworthy.  Except...that He says I'm His.  And that's enough.  Wow.
I did everything today that He intended for me.  Not all that was on MY list, but all that He had put in the plan.  It makes me feel complete.  Still.  Nurtured.  Lots always to do.  But a great gift to just get to follow along with Him.  His yoke is easy.  His burden is light.  I am remembering.  It is like gulping in air after I've been under the water at the pool for too long.  Unbelievably precious.
blessings.

Dear Lord

Tonight...first family meeting.  We used a bottle of caladryl as the "talking stick."  One left.  Said some mean things first.  But...he spoke.  Learning how to share what we feel, what we think, what we need safely, in a healthy way.  It's hard.
And I need help.
Dear Lord,
He said that I'm weak.  That I can't do anything.  He said that saying I'm sorry means nothing.  He lashed out at his older brother.  Younger brother.  Not his sister.  He is a good kid.  I know it.  And I know You know it.  But I've got to let You do this.  I need to be firm, but patient.  I need to listen to Your voice.  I need to be kind.  I need to spend lots of time in prayer.  And I need to let him go through what he is going through.  Without rushing him.  Without forcing him. 
Guard my children.  Hold them close.  Love them.  Be their all.  Teach them to seek You...because they want to.  Because You are Life.  And breath.  Let me breathe You in.
I know that I'm not weak.  It still hurt.  And he really hurt his brothers.  It showed in their eyes.  But, we persisted.  And we got some good ideas.  And we worked some things out.  And opened the door to learning how to talk.  Teach us.  Be our guide.  Our leader.  Our father.  Be peace.  And strength.  And grace. 
It's hard...and yet, it beats it just continuing to build.  Let me love well.
Thank You.

how true, right?  blessings.

Process

Growing.  Changing.  Learning.  All are a process.  Getting a job...a professional job, has reminded me of this.  I began this journey nearly three years ago.  Really, only 21/2.  But it has been long.  By the time I actually step foot in a classroom, it will have been about three years.  I can't believe it.  And yet, the journey is part of what will make me a better employee.  It is hat has helped to change me.  To allow me to see that I don't want just "any" job.  I want the right job for me.  I do understand that I need to earn a paycheck.  But I also understand that I need to feel like I am contributing.  That I am able to use my gifts and personality. 
This journey frustrates me at times.  I am a good teacher.  Better than good, really.  Yet, I lack the current vocabulary.  I chafe against the pulling teachers away from students and putting them in front of paperwork.  To be a great teacher takes a lot of reflection time.  Time to think of each student.  Time to evaluate.  Time to regroup.  But, I want to dive in in some ways.  To see if I have what it takes. 
But what I have learned about me is that I'm not only a teacher.  I love painting the furniture.  Working in my garden. Dreaming.  Planning.  Envisioning.  I thrive on beauty. 
And I love time with my kids.  Real time.  Even just moments.  Cherished.  Wonderful.  Blessed.  And this time of subbing has given me that outlet. 
It's hard to get my hopes up.  I know that I haven't interviewed well.  But, I also know that God has a plan for my life.  For my abilities.  And I'm going to trust Him to bring that plan to be.  As He has been about doing these years. 
I had a good year.  I subbed.  That had terrified me before.  But I did it!  Pretty amazing.
blessings.

the road...a bump or a fork?

My husband and I have differing views on where we are.  He seems to believe that we have hit a bump in the road.  I believe that we came to a fork....and diverged.  And I don't think that it happened when he moved out.  Relationships have bumps.  And hills.  And all kinds of things.  But, sometimes, two people part ways.  Go different directions.  Travel on their own.  In my case, I'm traveling my own road, but he keeps cutting across to follow me.  To say that we aren't really on different paths.  That it's just a bump.  That we are going to travel together.
I don't want him as a traveling companion.  It's not that he's all at fault.  It's that we can't be healthy together.  It's like the old deck that needs to be taken apart and have a new foundation put under it.  There's no other way to make it firm again.  To make it safe.  You can cover it with new wood.  But the foundation will still be rotted. 
I have taken my own road.  I filed papers to proclaim it.  I am working hard to make it.  Mostly, praying hard.  Knowing that God keeps me. 
I just have to realize that what he thinks about it doesn't decide what I get to do or how I live.
He is still on my car insurance.  He is still on my phone plan.  Yikes.  Really? 
I feel used....and like he tries to make it as hard as possible.  Gave back my son's car to us not working.  Hasn't fixed the van he gets to keep. 
Nope, don't wanna walk a road with someone who doesn't play nice unless it gets him something.  And who plays nice as it suits him...that is what scares me most.   He is good at being really nice outwardly and then crushing me. 
I came to a fork in the road......I took the one that led to life.....and it has made all of the difference.
blessings.

saw it.

loved it.

shared it.

because it's true.

sometimes fear is worth hearing...

like, "don't sit on the railroad tracks."

but other times,

it takes good judgement to see that 

fear

is simply a questioning of 

what might happen.

of worrying over failing.

or what people might think.

or how it might look.

or how you might

actually

have to change.

in that moment...

courage is when you decide that

what you are afraid of trying

is actually worth enough

to risk losing.

to risk failing.

keep going

keep going.  don't stop.
don't quit believing.
you are healing.
it always hurts
to heal.

it's easy to want to hide.
to want to give up.
to quit.
to go back to what was.
but courage means getting
to live a new and abundant life.
be brave.

you can't change the LAST chapter.
only this chapter.
and the following chapters.
but it's so tempting to look back
and want it to be different.
to want the past to have been different
rather than making sure that this present
becomes a much more
wonderful past to look
back on.
create a new past
by making a new present.
because tomorrow,
today will be in the past.

blessings.

Better...but still hard

I left church today.  He was there.  He went to sit with the kids.  It's his week.  But the kids told him that they were waiting for me.  He made it awkward for them.  Instead of having things worked out, he puts them in the middle.  That was really hard on me.  But then, he showed up in the lobby.  And made a beeline for me.  And though I was backing away, he kept talking to me.  Making plans for the afternoon.  How he was taking them to the party and then to the park to watch the solar eclipse.  Mmmmhhhmmmm.  Sure.  Fine.  Just let me get away!  I fail to see how this could not have been addressed via email.
And....I just couldn't stay.  I wanted to see the seniors honored.  Wanted to focus on worship.  But....my friends are his friends and they are all in one area.  I won't do what he does to me.....which is sit two rows away when it's my Sunday with the kids.  It's horribly awkward.
I'm cold. Tired.  Yep.  Emotional wreck.  But not like it used to be.  Won't be days.  I don't think.  I'll rest.  Warm up.  Be at home......breathe.  Pray.  Be quiet.  Cry.  And then I'll go on.
blessings.

impromptu party

Went to work.  Got off and was tired.  Sleepy even.  Came home and ate really yummy leftover chicken and taters with two of my kids.  Took three of them to ice cream...owed it from the band concert the other night.  One had invited a friend over to play pool.  Then the other invited a friend over.  Then they invited their college brother who lives on his own.  Who invited his girlfriend.  And friend.  Who invited his girlfriend.  You get the idea. ;)  And then when people started arriving my nearly senior son said, "so what about snacks, mom?"  So I looked around.  Tortillas...score...made quesadillas.  And popcorn.  Had a bag of miscellaneous candy that I threw in a bowl.  Cheezits.  Chips.  Salsa.  Cheese sticks.  Koolaid.  Now I'm resting and listening to them chat and joke and laugh and enjoy.  The constant clack of the air hockey.  The crash of pool balls.  The shuffle of the poker chips.
This is the first time that I've been able to have it and go to bed without it being awkward.  It's the first time that their dad isn't there competing with them.  It's a wonderful night for them.  And for me.  I love saying yes.
blessings.

i choose who to become

this is so very true

to me

i made choices

put up with

excused

covered

but then

i realized

i was protecting

something

someone

that was hurting me.

now

i've made a new choice.
and...
i would even be able to replace
what with
who.

fearless

I walk fearlessly into new worlds.  New places.  New ideas.  New dreams.  I stand tall.  I belive that the best WILL be.  Not that it will be what I have in mind, but something even more spectacular and mind blowing.
I am fearless.  Because I have no need to be fearful of falling.  Of failing.  I have no need to quit.  Or give up.  Because the perfect love that Jesus brings casts out fear.  Throws it away.  Banishes it.  And gives grace,  Freedom.  Hope.  Peace.  Faith.  Dreams.  Passion.  In return.
How can I be afraid but be fearless?  Because I rest in the One who overcomes my afraidness.  Who walks with me, in me, encompasses me....so that I go forward without fear.  Maybe questions.  Always questions.  Maybe wonderings.  But with the absolute knowledge that nothing is going to happen that is totally out of control or unfixable.
I go today to sub.  And to meet with a principal before that to see how I might best fit into his school.....if at all and if ever.  And I don't know what I am going to say.  I am not sure.  I want to fit in in a way that honors who I am and have been created to be.  To be uniquely me and bring those gifts to the table.  I'm not sure that's what schools are looking for.  That's ok.  I'll find my way.  My place.  It is coming.  In time.  I can be fearless.  Because there is a plan.  I need to be about fitting into it.  Fitting into my own skin...rather than trying to be everything else.  It'll happen.  It's a promise.
blessings.

Waited Too Long

I am learning that I waited too long.  And it makes me sad.  My son is suffering because I was not as available as I am now....and he feels like now is "too late" for helping him in school and things like that.  I am hurting.  He is angry.  He is hurt.  But...he IS talking.  He is saying.  And for that I am thankful.  Though the words are like barbs.  And though it makes me feel like I should have done something sooner.  I allowed things that I should not have.  I did not remain strong and engaged.  I failed him in ways that I can only apologize for but never regain the time.
In trying to hold it together for everyone, I lost out on him feeling secure and cared for.
But I can put the time in now.  I can listen now.  I can do what needed to be done...now.  And I can't beat myself up.  Though I bawled.  And bawled.  Though I ache for him.  He has to also have his responsibility.  He blames me about doing poorly in school....but the fact is that I have other kids doing just fine.  He wants me to be the one to be responsible.  I want him to be the one who takes pride in his own work and requests help when needed  A life skill.  But in the midst of all, I can see how he felt left.  Felt alone.  I get it.
So.  I'm glad he's talking.  I'm glad he got angry.  I'm glad....that I still get to be his mama and try in new ways to reach his sweet heart.
And God's provision for this mama is perfect.  In strength.  In knowledge.  In power.  He has it.  He will make up for every weakness.  Period.
blessings.

breakthrough

breaking through

can hurt

often does

but it's growing

and learning

and changing

and it's not 

just the beginning

it's usually an end

of something

that it's time to 

leave

in the past.

blessings.

provision

And my God will provide all your needs according to His riches in glory.  Or according to His glorious riches.
God.  Not me.  Not worry.  Not anyone but God.  The Provider. Jehovah-jireh.  Lord God Provider.  He has it.  I should trust Him...because He has it all.  From emotions to physical things to finances.  He has all of the resources and an abundantly kind and gracious heart.
Provide.  Not necessarily give.  Well, not without effort.  As in, I provide my kids with food to eat, but I don't scoop it into their mouths.  They have to show up.  They have to eat it.  It's there.  It's available.  He provides talents and dreams and hopes and passions to help us to have all of our needs met.  All.  Including finances, but not excluding our other needs.
YOUR needs.  Each one.  Individually.  Corporately as well.  But, I love that He sees what I need.  As my own person.  How I need to grow.  What I need to learn.  What will calm my spirit.
His riches.  Not mine.  Not the world's.  Not Bill Gates'.  His.  He made it all.  He owns it all.  He is the giver of all good things.  He has everything at His feet...at His disposal.  And there is nothing too big for Him.
Some people say that the "in glory" part means that it was just talking about heavenly riches.  Spiritual things.  True that they are included.  A part of the whole package.  But God addresses the needs of the here and now throughout the Bible.  To provide for the homeless, the weak, the widows, the prisoners.  Not to simply offer them a spiritual platitude.  So, I don't think that He offers me spiritual platitudes.  I think that it probably translates more like other translators have it....according to His glorious riches.  In every aspect.  Mental.  Intellectual.  Physical.  Emotional.  Spiritual.  Financial.  Food.  Drink.  Everything.  He knows what is necessary and He has what it takes to meet the needs.  Especially the needs of our hearts.  Our deepest fears.  He knows how to care for them.  For us.  And He doesn't do it in a stingy fashion.  He does it according to what He has...which is infinite.  Grace.  Power.  Provision.  Faith.
He is able.  He does it.  Without unkindness.  With great joy.  He is pleased to have me turn to Him.  I love that.  And I am so thankful to Him for meeting me where I am in every aspect of my life.  He is good.
blessings.

the past

leaving the past

in the past

and living 

in the present

without worry for the future

this is really living

really trusting

and knowing that

the best way to carry the past 

with me 

is not by holding grudges

or bitterness

not even simply memories

but by carrying forward

forever

the strength

and courage 

earned there.

blessings.

Hoping

I keep hoping and believing and having absolute faith that God is about bringing good in my life....not just in my personal life, but to the lives of those around me as well.  I want to see Him get the glory.  For making paths in the wilderness.  Instead of trying to make it right for everyone, I want to do what He leads me to do and get out of His way so that He can make what He plans in their lives as well as mine.
I like to protect.  To keep others safe.  Even at my own expense.  And that isn't always a bad thing.  Sacrifice, giving, being others oriented....are all good things.  When kept in perspective.  When it doesn't destroy me.  Because if I give up all of who I am, then there won't be the person around to protect when she really needs to or should.
Many people have been affected by my decisions and choices.  And they are my choices.  Though he did things....I allowed it for far too long.  And though I did so with good intentions, it was still a choice.  And making a new choice is not at all easy.  It's really hard.  Because it strains and causes pain for many.  I feel....saddened by that.  And yet, not undone.  Because this is really where I am.  I can't fix it for everyone.  I can love them through it.  I can be kind.  I can be patient.  But I can't live to help everyone feel more comfortable.
I keep hearing that I was the poster child of the "perfect" marriage.  Ok, they don't use the words "poster child"...but, that's what they mean.  The face and advertisement of marriage.  But it wasn't.  It was an illusion.  They saw what they wanted to see.  I kept my own counsel for the most part.  I tried to make it as good as possible.  But it wasn't.  It was hard and scary and downright nutso making.  And though there are days when I wish I could reverse and make it all better for everyone again, I know that I can't.  Because their sense of security in my marriage is gone now.  It wasn't what they thought.  And that's scary.
I'm hoping that one day...eventually...some people will see me.  Just me.  For who I am.  For what I have survived.  Not as someone who failed at marriage, but who succeeded in making really hard choices.  But perhaps I am hoping way too much.  I hope not. ;)
blessings.