Yesterday, I heard something that has not ceased to bother me. Has not left my mind. My heart. My prayers. I know this great kid. This kid is talented, strong. Can work hard. Doesn't always...hey, he's young. And he can be unruly. But he's not bad....and I know the difference.
I do see him struggling with how to respect adults. He wants them to deserve it. And...frankly....well they should.
But his decisions have meant that he is not going to get to go on a school outing. The thing is...he doesn't make trouble or run off. He doesn't hurt anyone. He doesn't threaten them. He is talkative. He is silly. He is mouthy. He has something to say. He is trying to figure out how to get it out there.
Frankly, I am struggling because the "punishment" doesn't fit the crime. I see so many kids doing so much more and everyone bending over backwards to make it ok for them. But not in his case. Makes my heart hurt.
And then there's the part...is it partially because of me and my separation? Is he acting out because of me? He might be. And God knows...really knows....that I tried to hold it all together and make it for so many people...including this one. I get that it's hard. That loss hurts. I also know that he has to make his own decisions about what to do with grief and anger in order to become a mature, contributing member of society. I know that he is growing into a young man and not just a child. So, behavior can't be excused away. Doesn't stop the ache that I wish that I could have protected him from the sense of upheaval and loss. I just can't....I know because I tried. I tried to force staying together and sucking up all of the pain and hurt so that everyone else could feel better. And I guess that it could work for them. But it was destroying me. It was destroying what my children saw as healthy or normal or hopeful. It was destroying dignity. I just couldn't do it anymore.
And I want to write a letter to the general public in apology for not being able to make it for the benefit of everyone else. What they don't seem to know is how long and hard I tried. Not for me. I was being hurt by it. I did it for kids, for others who needed encouragement, even for my husband.
I am bothered by what happened to this young man. And part of it is because....I want to excuse it as my fault. But honestly, deeper inside, I know that he's better than that. He doesn't need excuses. He needs me to believe in who he really is. Who he really can be. Because he's amazing.
Bothered. Hurt. Saddened. Yet still reconciled. This is the path for me at this time. I will walk in it.
blessings.
I do see him struggling with how to respect adults. He wants them to deserve it. And...frankly....well they should.
But his decisions have meant that he is not going to get to go on a school outing. The thing is...he doesn't make trouble or run off. He doesn't hurt anyone. He doesn't threaten them. He is talkative. He is silly. He is mouthy. He has something to say. He is trying to figure out how to get it out there.
Frankly, I am struggling because the "punishment" doesn't fit the crime. I see so many kids doing so much more and everyone bending over backwards to make it ok for them. But not in his case. Makes my heart hurt.
And then there's the part...is it partially because of me and my separation? Is he acting out because of me? He might be. And God knows...really knows....that I tried to hold it all together and make it for so many people...including this one. I get that it's hard. That loss hurts. I also know that he has to make his own decisions about what to do with grief and anger in order to become a mature, contributing member of society. I know that he is growing into a young man and not just a child. So, behavior can't be excused away. Doesn't stop the ache that I wish that I could have protected him from the sense of upheaval and loss. I just can't....I know because I tried. I tried to force staying together and sucking up all of the pain and hurt so that everyone else could feel better. And I guess that it could work for them. But it was destroying me. It was destroying what my children saw as healthy or normal or hopeful. It was destroying dignity. I just couldn't do it anymore.
And I want to write a letter to the general public in apology for not being able to make it for the benefit of everyone else. What they don't seem to know is how long and hard I tried. Not for me. I was being hurt by it. I did it for kids, for others who needed encouragement, even for my husband.
I am bothered by what happened to this young man. And part of it is because....I want to excuse it as my fault. But honestly, deeper inside, I know that he's better than that. He doesn't need excuses. He needs me to believe in who he really is. Who he really can be. Because he's amazing.
Bothered. Hurt. Saddened. Yet still reconciled. This is the path for me at this time. I will walk in it.
blessings.
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