I haven't crashed in awhile. Probably because I was so sick and forced to rest. ;) But now that life is back to normal and all expectations are on too....I am worn out. My body is still not 100% since being sick. I tire easily.
So...today....I....CRASHED. Luckily there was a bed nearby and I had a soft landing. I slept like a dead person. Unusual for me at a nap.
The emotions. The loss. The constant email stuff with the nearly ex. The sickness. The house needing so much. Me wanting to paint and make my living selling my furnishings. So much to DO....and all I want is a blanket and pillow. I turned on a show to watch and was asleep in no time.
But I didn't burn. I didn't freak out. I wasn't upset. I just took the time. There's always time to get done what needs to be done. And my kids are out delivering furniture for me. And buying food for dinner. Because I don't have to do it all. And I don't have to expect from myself that I can do it all. And I need to wisely let myself grieve sometimes. And be angry. And be hurt. Whatever emotion, I need to allow it. Not stuff it.
So, I've cried buckets. First for the man I wish I would have been able to know and be with. Then, for the men in my life that haven't bothered to know me or see me. Back and forth. But not in a self pity sort of way. In a letting go. Releasing. Saying good bye sort of way.
And my soul is beginning to feel polished. Like the bangs and dents of the years are being polished away by the tears and gentleness of my Father's hand. They will never go away completely. But He is about turning them into beauty marks. Marks of distinction. And the memories of them, though painful, will not have the power to continue to harm me forever. Because He is my peace. My joy. My hope. And I am allowed to embrace the feelings that come in the knowledge that none of them separate me from His care. He gets me. Totally. Completely.
And He knew how much it would hurt to finally find the man that I remembered and to find that he was no longer living....but He also knew that I needed the answer to the questions that haunted my heart. That he had cared. That he hadn't wanted to abandon me. That he had needed me too. Jesus loves me enough to let me have the hurt in order to experience the exhilaration that I lived in someone's heart and mind for all of his life. That I was not a passing thought. A moment that went by. But, a constant. A wish. A hope. And that matters.
And maybe He saved it for just this time as I struggle with the fact that I've never been that to my husband....and I was toying with the idea that perhaps I wasn't worth it. And then...BAM. God brought this new knowledge to my life. And suddenly....I knew...I KNOW...that I was worth it. Because that man loved me and cared for me when I was only a child and really had nothing to offer him. Nothing to give. That's the kind of love we all deserve. Especially in marriage. I gave it. I didn't get it. And it is hard for me to "take it back"...I'm so used to it. But really, now, it's habit, there's no tie. It's done.
blessings.
So...today....I....CRASHED. Luckily there was a bed nearby and I had a soft landing. I slept like a dead person. Unusual for me at a nap.
The emotions. The loss. The constant email stuff with the nearly ex. The sickness. The house needing so much. Me wanting to paint and make my living selling my furnishings. So much to DO....and all I want is a blanket and pillow. I turned on a show to watch and was asleep in no time.
But I didn't burn. I didn't freak out. I wasn't upset. I just took the time. There's always time to get done what needs to be done. And my kids are out delivering furniture for me. And buying food for dinner. Because I don't have to do it all. And I don't have to expect from myself that I can do it all. And I need to wisely let myself grieve sometimes. And be angry. And be hurt. Whatever emotion, I need to allow it. Not stuff it.
So, I've cried buckets. First for the man I wish I would have been able to know and be with. Then, for the men in my life that haven't bothered to know me or see me. Back and forth. But not in a self pity sort of way. In a letting go. Releasing. Saying good bye sort of way.
And my soul is beginning to feel polished. Like the bangs and dents of the years are being polished away by the tears and gentleness of my Father's hand. They will never go away completely. But He is about turning them into beauty marks. Marks of distinction. And the memories of them, though painful, will not have the power to continue to harm me forever. Because He is my peace. My joy. My hope. And I am allowed to embrace the feelings that come in the knowledge that none of them separate me from His care. He gets me. Totally. Completely.
And He knew how much it would hurt to finally find the man that I remembered and to find that he was no longer living....but He also knew that I needed the answer to the questions that haunted my heart. That he had cared. That he hadn't wanted to abandon me. That he had needed me too. Jesus loves me enough to let me have the hurt in order to experience the exhilaration that I lived in someone's heart and mind for all of his life. That I was not a passing thought. A moment that went by. But, a constant. A wish. A hope. And that matters.
And maybe He saved it for just this time as I struggle with the fact that I've never been that to my husband....and I was toying with the idea that perhaps I wasn't worth it. And then...BAM. God brought this new knowledge to my life. And suddenly....I knew...I KNOW...that I was worth it. Because that man loved me and cared for me when I was only a child and really had nothing to offer him. Nothing to give. That's the kind of love we all deserve. Especially in marriage. I gave it. I didn't get it. And it is hard for me to "take it back"...I'm so used to it. But really, now, it's habit, there's no tie. It's done.
blessings.
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