I keep hoping and believing and having absolute faith that God is about bringing good in my life....not just in my personal life, but to the lives of those around me as well. I want to see Him get the glory. For making paths in the wilderness. Instead of trying to make it right for everyone, I want to do what He leads me to do and get out of His way so that He can make what He plans in their lives as well as mine.
I like to protect. To keep others safe. Even at my own expense. And that isn't always a bad thing. Sacrifice, giving, being others oriented....are all good things. When kept in perspective. When it doesn't destroy me. Because if I give up all of who I am, then there won't be the person around to protect when she really needs to or should.
Many people have been affected by my decisions and choices. And they are my choices. Though he did things....I allowed it for far too long. And though I did so with good intentions, it was still a choice. And making a new choice is not at all easy. It's really hard. Because it strains and causes pain for many. I feel....saddened by that. And yet, not undone. Because this is really where I am. I can't fix it for everyone. I can love them through it. I can be kind. I can be patient. But I can't live to help everyone feel more comfortable.
I keep hearing that I was the poster child of the "perfect" marriage. Ok, they don't use the words "poster child"...but, that's what they mean. The face and advertisement of marriage. But it wasn't. It was an illusion. They saw what they wanted to see. I kept my own counsel for the most part. I tried to make it as good as possible. But it wasn't. It was hard and scary and downright nutso making. And though there are days when I wish I could reverse and make it all better for everyone again, I know that I can't. Because their sense of security in my marriage is gone now. It wasn't what they thought. And that's scary.
I'm hoping that one day...eventually...some people will see me. Just me. For who I am. For what I have survived. Not as someone who failed at marriage, but who succeeded in making really hard choices. But perhaps I am hoping way too much. I hope not. ;)
blessings.
I like to protect. To keep others safe. Even at my own expense. And that isn't always a bad thing. Sacrifice, giving, being others oriented....are all good things. When kept in perspective. When it doesn't destroy me. Because if I give up all of who I am, then there won't be the person around to protect when she really needs to or should.
Many people have been affected by my decisions and choices. And they are my choices. Though he did things....I allowed it for far too long. And though I did so with good intentions, it was still a choice. And making a new choice is not at all easy. It's really hard. Because it strains and causes pain for many. I feel....saddened by that. And yet, not undone. Because this is really where I am. I can't fix it for everyone. I can love them through it. I can be kind. I can be patient. But I can't live to help everyone feel more comfortable.
I keep hearing that I was the poster child of the "perfect" marriage. Ok, they don't use the words "poster child"...but, that's what they mean. The face and advertisement of marriage. But it wasn't. It was an illusion. They saw what they wanted to see. I kept my own counsel for the most part. I tried to make it as good as possible. But it wasn't. It was hard and scary and downright nutso making. And though there are days when I wish I could reverse and make it all better for everyone again, I know that I can't. Because their sense of security in my marriage is gone now. It wasn't what they thought. And that's scary.
I'm hoping that one day...eventually...some people will see me. Just me. For who I am. For what I have survived. Not as someone who failed at marriage, but who succeeded in making really hard choices. But perhaps I am hoping way too much. I hope not. ;)
blessings.
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