I received a gift in finding out about the man I had looked for. I found out that I had been treasured. But real love can come with deep and heart wrenching loss. With grief. How I can be so...happy and yet so wounded will never cease to amaze me. The irony of being loved yet not having a person. Love goes on. It lives in our hearts. It is a gift long after we are gone. And for those of us left as others go on ahead. It is the legacy, the treasure, the heritage that we are granted and that we leave. Real, enduring love.
So, the rawness of my emotions is to be expected. To learn of someone having that love for me and not being able to say thank you. Not being able to say that I turned out ok. It's all pretty hard. Very emotional. And yet...it is also...good.
Because it turns out that I was granted a legacy of a father's love. Though I didn't get to experience it, it doesn't make it any less true. It's actually pretty amazing. He and I. Needing each other. Both really strong and getting up and going on.....but always knowing that the other was out there. Pretty indescribable. Nearly impossible. Because it's the tragedy of life. And the comedy. How two people could have needed each other so much...and been kept apart so well. And yet, still made lives that mattered. That counted.
He would have been proud of me. And I know that I'm proud of him. And that will have to be enough. But I do look forward to being able to think about him without bursting into tears. This is no little loss. It is huge to my heart. Not in a negative way at all. In a..."wow, I was REALLY loved...." and searched for.
And it explains something else in my life too. As a kid, whenever I would hear the geese, I would go running to see them flying over. To this day, they draw me....to look up...to marvel at how they fly in formation. Turns out...you guessed it.....when geese would fly over, he would run outside and make a big deal out of it. Apparently, he marveled at geese. Pretty funny. I wonder what other tidbits he put into my life that I will never really know. What I do know is that he invested himself wholeheartedly though he lost fully all that he loved. And that is something I have also carried.
What a gift. One he never knew I received. Yet...in just the right time, I did.
blessings.
So, the rawness of my emotions is to be expected. To learn of someone having that love for me and not being able to say thank you. Not being able to say that I turned out ok. It's all pretty hard. Very emotional. And yet...it is also...good.
Because it turns out that I was granted a legacy of a father's love. Though I didn't get to experience it, it doesn't make it any less true. It's actually pretty amazing. He and I. Needing each other. Both really strong and getting up and going on.....but always knowing that the other was out there. Pretty indescribable. Nearly impossible. Because it's the tragedy of life. And the comedy. How two people could have needed each other so much...and been kept apart so well. And yet, still made lives that mattered. That counted.
He would have been proud of me. And I know that I'm proud of him. And that will have to be enough. But I do look forward to being able to think about him without bursting into tears. This is no little loss. It is huge to my heart. Not in a negative way at all. In a..."wow, I was REALLY loved...." and searched for.
And it explains something else in my life too. As a kid, whenever I would hear the geese, I would go running to see them flying over. To this day, they draw me....to look up...to marvel at how they fly in formation. Turns out...you guessed it.....when geese would fly over, he would run outside and make a big deal out of it. Apparently, he marveled at geese. Pretty funny. I wonder what other tidbits he put into my life that I will never really know. What I do know is that he invested himself wholeheartedly though he lost fully all that he loved. And that is something I have also carried.
What a gift. One he never knew I received. Yet...in just the right time, I did.
blessings.
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