The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning
great is Your faithfulness.
His love for me has never ended. Never become greater. Never become less. His love just is....like...gravity....there....always....what I depend on with great certainty. And not only does He love me, but He is merciful to me. With great joy He satisfies my longings. He "gets" me. And every morning that I wake up, there are a thousand things to be thankful for, to see and appreciate His greatness.
That's who I am in Christ. Who I was meant to be.
Not the scared, complaining, whining person who lived constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop." He did not intend for that to be my focus in life. And I tried for years to focus on Him.....but I lived with someone who demanded the focus and energy and effort be directed to him. I longed to pray together. To uplift the One that has stilled my soul since childhood....together. To raise our children seeing how He is a miraculous provider. A gentle teacher. A strong protector.
I don't just know it because I read about it...though I have. I know it because that is who He has been in my life. But, I got myself into a situation in my marriage where He was used against me. Where being the good wife meant doing things that I didn't agree with in order to supposedly honor God by honoring my husband. But God didn't call me to make my husband feel that way if it took away from my dignity or who I was supposed to be in loving Him. In allowing Him to be first. He still longed for me to be free...to be one, but not simply a tag along to who my husband wanted me to be.
For a long time, I fought it. Then, after a long time, I simply gave up the battle. I don't like fighting and having it within my own home, in the place where I should have felt safe....was debilitating. But giving up wasn't good either. Because when I quit saying and standing for what was important, more and more things fell away. And eventually, I could just barely remember what it felt like to walk in that day to day joy and peace and absolute assurance of Him.
The relief of now. Of being able to raise my arms and dance to the Lord. To hear His voice and be able to follow without a battle. To pray without there being an agenda....which always included my failure. To not have Him all tied up with being used as a weapon against me. It took me so long to see and understand what it was. There was truth in some things. But there was a lie wrapped inside. Does God want me to love and honor my husband? Yes. Does He want me to do it in ways that degrade and eliminate me? No. Boundaries. And what I'm learning is that in marriage, I should have been able to set my boundaries and there should have been respect. Towards me. Without constant battling...belittling...disregarding.
Now, I see more clearly that the main part of what harmed me was not each little event that added up....though they were bad...it was the erosion of being allowed to live and move in Christ. To hear His voice and respond. To pray because He is great and wonderful...not to get more money and stuff. My husband used me to pray. And it became hurtful. More than hurtful. Because it destroyed the spiritual connection that caused me to be who I was. And while I tried to keep going...I was not the same. Because he couldn't stand anyone, even God being more.
And I pulled away. Further and further away...trying to get far enough removed from him that I could do and move in Christ again. To glory in those mercies. To be thankful for His hand of mercy. To revel in His grace. Because God had really been the only Father I'd ever known. My grandpa was a good earthly model...but, God had been my constant.
Our foundation was not built on that. Though he pretended it was. It was built on an aspect of that. The part that would keep me in the marriage out of fear of displeasing God. It was built on the part where I should be one with him.....not the two become one...but, that I should become him.
And I was almost lost. ALMOST bUt NOT because God rescued me. He gave me the courage to stand up. To remove myself. To listen to Him instead of anyone else. To be brave enough to say that it wasn't ok. He provided the safe shelter....and a friend to force me to go. He provided hard enough times to push me and show me that I wouldn't make it. And now He is using those times to mold me anew. To teach me anew. To comfort me....as only a daddy can.
And while I lament...I exult....and rest. For His mercies carry me.
blessings.
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