I have spent time looking for someone over the years. And, quite a lot recently. I was looking for the man that my mom was engaged to when she was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. I was in kindergarten. He was good to me. The three of us were going to be a family. But then. Then, she died. She went away. He went away. My hopes of a family went away. And I never got to realize the dream of having a mommy and daddy that loved me and wanted me. Ever.
So, I've looked for him. My grandpa had told me that the man had had a break down after my mom had died. Took him four years to get through it. But that he had...and had eventually met and married another woman. And that's pretty much what I knew. Except for having some photos and my mom's high school year books with his photos.
Tonight, I found him. Online, of course. I found his obituary. He would only be 65 now. But, I was sure it was him. He graduated from my mom's high school. In the year my mom graduated. His sister was listed as a surviving relative. So, I called her. I know, totally out of character. I HAD to know. I had cried hard when I read the obituary. It shocked me.
It was awkward at first...trying to explain who I was...asking about her deceased brother. But when she realized who I was...it was amazing. She said that he had always looked for me. Had wanted to keep me. My biological father hadn't even allowed him to see me. He had no rights because he and my mom weren't married yet. Her brother had a break down after my mom died and he lost me. She talked about how much he had loved me. Had always considered me his daughter. Had never had children of his own.
He died of alzheimer's at age 58. When he started to get sick...when he knew it was coming....he would wonder if my mom would have loved him still. His second wife left him.
He had lived a very full and meaningful life. He gave to many people. He was well loved and kind. Sigh...what I wouldn't have done to have a daddy like that in my life.
What a painful thing it is...he and I...both having needed each other so much. Kept apart by someone who didn't even want me. I am sobbing even now. How unfair to have chosen such a hard life for me when I could have been loved by someone. Someone who was committed and ready to be responsible. As it was, I lived with my dad a year in my life. But he took away a lifetime of opportunity for me.
And nobody stood up for me. That is what gets me. Nobody said that it wasn't right. My step mom didn't say that he had wanted me. And there's no way she didn't know. My grandparents were too afraid that they wouldn't get to see me if they caused a stink. But really? Because my dad didn't really have the ability or knowledge for a legal battle. Mostly, it just feels like after my mom died, I was left.
I am so very happy that my near step dad wanted me so much. And so very heartbroken. I never got to tell him that I made it. That I missed him. That I had wished for him. Dreamed of him. That deep inside, I remembered him. And now, all I can do is cry. For all of the lost years and lost hopes simply because of one person's selfishness.
And now...now there is truly nobody out there left. That person that I might one day find who might have really wanted me is gone.
The tears just won't stop. For a man that I haven't seen in over 40 years. But never really forgot. Something about when someone really loves you. And his sister told me how his parents loved me too....and how they had all planned on me being a part of their family. How very sad. I miss him. I miss the knowing that he might be out there.
But, he looked for me. He really did love me. He didn't forget me. That is pretty marvelous.
Sometimes I wonder thought...why is it that I never seem to catch a break on the family front. I had forgiven my father for the rather lousy childhood...I thought that he had done the best he could. I thought that his guilt was over how he treated my mom. But now I look at that guilt...at how he wouldn't even come to my wedding...and I wonder....maybe that guilt is because he stole from me the opportunity to have a real father. A daddy. Someone who would have been proud to be there to give me away. I've never spent much time thinking about how life would have looked with a dad...a protector....but tonight it was like I had to hear what I had but didn't even know I had...and lose it...all at once. It doesn't feel fair. But I know that life is not fair.
Maybe I'll just imagine him and my mom in heaven......
Good bye. It is nice knowing that you cared. I'll miss hoping for you.
blessings.
So, I've looked for him. My grandpa had told me that the man had had a break down after my mom had died. Took him four years to get through it. But that he had...and had eventually met and married another woman. And that's pretty much what I knew. Except for having some photos and my mom's high school year books with his photos.
Tonight, I found him. Online, of course. I found his obituary. He would only be 65 now. But, I was sure it was him. He graduated from my mom's high school. In the year my mom graduated. His sister was listed as a surviving relative. So, I called her. I know, totally out of character. I HAD to know. I had cried hard when I read the obituary. It shocked me.
It was awkward at first...trying to explain who I was...asking about her deceased brother. But when she realized who I was...it was amazing. She said that he had always looked for me. Had wanted to keep me. My biological father hadn't even allowed him to see me. He had no rights because he and my mom weren't married yet. Her brother had a break down after my mom died and he lost me. She talked about how much he had loved me. Had always considered me his daughter. Had never had children of his own.
He died of alzheimer's at age 58. When he started to get sick...when he knew it was coming....he would wonder if my mom would have loved him still. His second wife left him.
He had lived a very full and meaningful life. He gave to many people. He was well loved and kind. Sigh...what I wouldn't have done to have a daddy like that in my life.
What a painful thing it is...he and I...both having needed each other so much. Kept apart by someone who didn't even want me. I am sobbing even now. How unfair to have chosen such a hard life for me when I could have been loved by someone. Someone who was committed and ready to be responsible. As it was, I lived with my dad a year in my life. But he took away a lifetime of opportunity for me.
And nobody stood up for me. That is what gets me. Nobody said that it wasn't right. My step mom didn't say that he had wanted me. And there's no way she didn't know. My grandparents were too afraid that they wouldn't get to see me if they caused a stink. But really? Because my dad didn't really have the ability or knowledge for a legal battle. Mostly, it just feels like after my mom died, I was left.
I am so very happy that my near step dad wanted me so much. And so very heartbroken. I never got to tell him that I made it. That I missed him. That I had wished for him. Dreamed of him. That deep inside, I remembered him. And now, all I can do is cry. For all of the lost years and lost hopes simply because of one person's selfishness.
And now...now there is truly nobody out there left. That person that I might one day find who might have really wanted me is gone.
The tears just won't stop. For a man that I haven't seen in over 40 years. But never really forgot. Something about when someone really loves you. And his sister told me how his parents loved me too....and how they had all planned on me being a part of their family. How very sad. I miss him. I miss the knowing that he might be out there.
But, he looked for me. He really did love me. He didn't forget me. That is pretty marvelous.
Sometimes I wonder thought...why is it that I never seem to catch a break on the family front. I had forgiven my father for the rather lousy childhood...I thought that he had done the best he could. I thought that his guilt was over how he treated my mom. But now I look at that guilt...at how he wouldn't even come to my wedding...and I wonder....maybe that guilt is because he stole from me the opportunity to have a real father. A daddy. Someone who would have been proud to be there to give me away. I've never spent much time thinking about how life would have looked with a dad...a protector....but tonight it was like I had to hear what I had but didn't even know I had...and lose it...all at once. It doesn't feel fair. But I know that life is not fair.
Maybe I'll just imagine him and my mom in heaven......
Good bye. It is nice knowing that you cared. I'll miss hoping for you.
blessings.
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