acceptance

finally.  to the place of acceptance in my grief cycle.  past the anger and denial and depression.  the guilt.  the bargaining that if i can only do certain things then maybe people will not only like me still....but maybe love me.
i began the reconstruction.  and strangely.....the grief increased.  i broke.  i cried.  i hurt.  i thought that i would completely lose it.
alone.  that's all that i could think.
and now.
i realize.
i am.
alone.
to some degree.
even those i love don't really talk about real stuff.  the depth is gone.  and it might come back some day.  or it might not.
i can't control it.  i can't fix it.
i can't make it happen that those i've loved and done life with will inquire about me...to me, will call, will write, will do much more than the basics to keep up appearances and perhaps to assuage feeling badly that things are not the same.
but god does know that i've tried.
tried.
tried.
and i have grieved with my whole heart and mind.
i have prayed.
i have wondered.
i have dabbled with the idea of being different.
but i can't.  that would be a backward journey.
and i will just have to learn to sit with those i love....because love them, i do.....and understand that it is what it is.
and i am there.
finally.
at least for the moment.
acceptance.
nobody is coming looking for me.
and being ok with that needs to be a part of the journey.
i have thought about writing to my church staff.  letting them know how it is.....how it feels....what it's like on this side....not to get something....not to cause something.....just so that they can be aware and help to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else.  because in the church.....it shouldn't.  ever.
but strangely.  very strangely. peace has come to me.  for now.
and though nothing changes.  and though i can be with others for hours and not be able to start any conversation of substance.  though i get not hugs unless i get my kids to give them to me.  though i indeed am emotionally alone.
yet, i figure that if i can learn to go through this.  to stand.  to love god.  to love me.  to do what is important.  to rest when needed.  then....when others are ready.  when the time is right.....then i will be whole and able to share and be a better friend.
because i have been too needy.  too troublesome.  and i own that.  i've been a pain in the butt.
life goes on.
i must too.
blessings.