and i wonder

i wonder what god really says about things.  i've been reading the divorcecare book.  it has a lot of good things.  it is christian based.  but i got really hurt when i got to the part that says that forgiveness isn't enough.  reconciliation has to be the goal.  even if you don't remarry.  that you have to become good friends.  and....it was crushing.  because every christian author seems to think that they speak for god.  that for not reason should shaking the dust from your sandals be an option.  that forgiving means trusting again.
not so much.  not for me.
i don't trust him.
there is this place within me that knows that he is not trustworthy for my heart.  that he uses it.  and it wasn't once...it was a lifestyle.  a toxic lifestyle.  i look at the cards and letters that we exchanged.  i remember working so hard to try to get one that said the right thing.  having trouble with words.  i didn't trust for a long time.  i was scared for a long time.  but i said the right things.  behaved the right ways.  to save....what?  a marriage?  was THAT a marriage? a binding of hearts?  it was a commitment.  but it wasn't a dedication of lives.  it wasn't a growing, vibrant, working through things relationship.  it was....commitment.
commitment based on pride.  not love.
so, when i read the books, i come away so empty.  feeling so unheard.  like i am mute in the world of christendom.  that my voice is silenced because it doesn't say what people want to hear.
as i read the bible, i don't see such a harsh view.  but, then books say that i'm following the world or being influenced in my interpretation by the world.  or other outside forces.  aren't we all?  by our experiences.  by where we are?
but i do wonder.  mostly i wonder why christianity seems so bent on hurting their own.  on wounding.  on judging.  on astracizing.  i wonder....is that what god wants?  that if people sin they should be treated as less?  i don't blame it on god.  it doesn't effect how i view him.  but i have concerns for the church.  there's not a single thing in place to hold men accountable but women are told to submit and all will be well.
i threw my praying scripture for you husband book away today.  and all of the other self help books that i had squirreled away over the years.  the marriage self help.  how to give more.  how to love better.  how to meet his needs.  how to pray him.
you know, none of them said.....first take care of you.  first, seek god.  first, remember that you are an equal partner.  first, remember that you should value who god made you to be.  it's a gift.  nope.  they were all about giving everything up and serving his needs.  doing whatever it took.  which could be awesome....if you are married to someone who also does that.  i wasn't.
and i wonder....
will i ever again be accepted into a church just as a normal person and not as a divorced woman?
i wonder.