ouch

i went through my emails today.  back to 2006.  granted, the oldest ones were keepers.  from people i adore.  but after going through all 8000+ emails in order, back through the years, i realized that the friends that used to write me don't.  and that most of my newer emails say, "re" in front...meaning that they are in response.  the weight was heavy.  i cried.  and then, i just kept clicking.  i put all of those important people in my friends folder.  i put my ex in the folder with his name.  and i wondered if i'd ever again be sought out.  i don't know the answer.  there's no way to know the answer, so...i guess i'll just live with it.  still, it hurt.  more than i even want to admit.  as i hurt more...people dropped out of my life.  so, that's how it is and i just have to go on.
someone tonight was suggesting dating.  nope.  can't.  not there.  don't think i ever will be.  not interested.
how can i think that is a good idea when i can't even be a good friend to friends i had for years?
i wish that i was.  and i'm not sure how i'm not.  i guess that's the point.  i need to figure that out first.  i don't mean to be that friend that is.....someone you drop.  yet, i have been.  and i don't much feel like whining about it.  though i wish that it wasn't true.
i have a friend that has me picking up pics to send with my boys to school.  some are also of my ex.  and i just don't know if i can do it.  i could pick them up, but i don't know if i can send them.  it feels awkward.  to say the least.  if they want pics with him, it seems like they could get them from him.  he has some.
i don't say it out of anger or malice.  it's just so much.  emotional.  he chose to treat us poorly.  the kids live more peaceful lives.  only one son goes with my ex on a regular basis.  all of the other kids hold off as much as possible.  and it is hard.  because i'm tired of trying to explain it to people.  i'm tired of my kids not being seen.  they are trying.  but things aren't fatherly/kid with him.  it's not healthy and wonderful.  but "mr. charming" always gets the benefit of the doubt and i get to feel like the wicked witch when i feel a huge need for some definite boundaries.
i'm hurting.  that email thing is stupid.  but telling.  it just makes me want to quit reaching out because it's so embarrassing to see that "re:" in front of all of my personal emails.  now.  didn't used to be.  guess maybe i'm a pain in the butt now.
but this pain in the butt is ok.  she is figuring out things.  slowly, granted.  but still...she's doing it.
and she isn't quitting.  even if she isn't popular.  even if nobody notices that she's gone and misses her.  real is better than fake.  i will walk.  i will stand.  i will eventually soar.
and i will have joy.  genuine, abiding joy.  even in the tears.  the ouch exists.  but it doesn't silence the joy.
onward.
blessings