growing up

i am feeling like i am growing up.  but not growing old.  before it felt like growing old.  now it feels like learning to be wise.  learning to take care of me...and those i love.  i am learning to be kind to myself.  got back to school clothes today.  feels good.  real clothes.  that actually fit me.  and it seems like a small thing.  and it is to some degree. but one of my kids stood, arms folded, glaring while i was paying.  i bought his sister a couple of things too.  ladies store.  i sent him out.  not taking anyone's guilt anymore.  not for taking care of what i need to do.  then i spoiled he and his brother a little.  he got over his bad feelings.  i told him straight up that it wasn't his decision what to buy or not buy for me or for his sister.  he backed down.  we were all trained for so long that cheap is best.  my other son was commenting on how he thought that it is better to buy quality than just cheap stuff..especially since they wear their clothes for so long.  some of their friends get new stuff every couple of months.  they don't.  so....quality has some merit.  except for that one cute thing that is just a whim and going to be worn for a short time...then, cheap it is.  it was good to get them some things.  it wasn't what a lot of people do.  but i got to decide.  like a grown up.  without bickering.  without someone making the kids feel badly.  or me.  it was harsh.  for a long time.  when we had money.  when we didn't.  never mattered.  so, here we are.  healing.  even in such silly ways.
growing up.  getting things done.  hard things.  prayerfully.  but...decisively.  learning to not second guess every single thing.  to be content and at ease.  god provides.  miraculously.  he is good and kind.  and he doesn't hate me for getting clothes to wear to work.  that's a good thing.  and i can be wise.  it is ok to have appropriate clothes to wear for teaching.  grown up clothes.
and i am growing up to stand up for myself.
still working. still trying to my house my home.
blessings.