reflect

i take time to reflect.  to think on things.  to mull things over.  had a recent conversation about my daughter and how my heart aches for where she is right now.  her best friends have always been older.  she is a youngest child..used to be with the "big kids".  most people think that she is older.  but, the time has come where she is getting "left behind."  i was lamenting her lack of sense of belonging in the youth group.  i was saying how the cliques feel big to her.  unpenetrable.  and the response was that she has been a part of a clique with her brothers and this other family.  their own clique.  and i agreed.  but something didn't sit quite right.  and in the overnight...as often happens, i realized what it was.  family is different.  and the family we have is us and this other family.   but something changed.  or actually, probably not.  probably my daughter and i viewed the relationships as family when they view it as friends and that's how it came to feel like a clique.  and cliques are bad.  everyone needs to be included.  so...that explains so much of why i have felt lost for awhile.  with nobody to be family.  to say not that i have more value than someone else, but that the relationship is different.  it's not.  and it's not for my daughter.  and that nearly crushed me.  the realization that she has those feelings...of being disconnected.  of being the one that has to hold it together.  of not being sought out.  of feeling like someone is a different kind of relationship and then realizing that you fall into the friend category with dozens of others.  i feel what she was feeling.  she has been struggling with it for a few months.  texting.  not hearing.  making plans that fall through.  feeling like she's having to force someone to be with her.
it's hard.  because as i reflect i have to be real.  and real is that we don't have family here.  friends were our family.  but if friends have to be all inclusive and equal...then we can't do that.  we can't have friends be our family.
it doesn't mean we are alone.  i told her that.  told my daughter that we have lots of friends that care.  but, she is craving that closeness.  we have each other, but she's wanting it in an extended way.  and i hurt so much more than when it was just me feeling the disconnect.
it took time to reflect.  to understand that two people who are close can see things so very differently.  funny.  it doesn't change how i feel.  it changes what i know i need to do.  not how i feel.  not how it hurts.  but it does help me to see that if a friendship feels like a clique then people will draw away in order to establish balance.  they will do what it is that makes them feel right about what they are doing.
and i'm left without family.
but i realized this morning.  it wasn't my family to have.  it was friends  and while it's hard, i'm glad for the time that helped us get through.  glad that it was there.  glad that i viewed it as i did even if i was so far off.
i keep getting it.  seeing it.  but i keep wanting to close my eyes. to shut off my awareness and go back to the blissful ignorance that said that it was family.
i'm still ok.  i just need my daughter to be ok.  she's a hurting puppy.  i can't fix it.  but i can show her that life is good.  that she is loved.  and i can be sorry.  i can empathize.  and i can help her get through it.  because i can't make anyone call.  or text.  or email.  i can't do it.  i can teach her how to reach out to some that might want to be reciprocal.  teach her to start again.  teach her to keep loving anyway.
she's amazing.  she'll be fine too.  but her heart breaking......is almost more than i can bear.
blessings.