Lost it

Well, I didn't go to church on my own today. I bawled instead. A friend said that she understands how hard it is to not feel comfortable at our church because she is also divorced. But somehow it's not the same. Why? Because I have not one person that misses me and that it makes a difference that I  there. No calls. No words. No fitting in when I'm there. I mostly stand around and wait for the people I care about to finish visiting with the church family. A family I thought I shared but have realized that it doesn't work with the charming ex front and center. Surrounded by staff and our old mutual friends. Hey, they are in choir together. I get it. But it doesn't keep my heart from breaking. It doesn't keep me from hurting. And it certainly isn't worshiping together on unity. He wears his ring. He acts like he was so wronged and he just doesn't understand how this so suddenly happened. He is an extrovert who can play the crowd. I just wish that some of my friends would have given me the benefit of the doubt and perhaps encouragement that they want me by them and that I matter to them. Not that I win a battle over whose church it is. I already lost. Because I determined church would not be a battle. I just didn't realize that I would matter so little to my church family. I have stood up for others. Called. Stood near. But this week I finally completely got that I've been disowned. And it hurts. But not disowned by god just that congregation. Still, it was home and family for me.

So this unanniversary day is tough. But I'll cook a nice meal and do stuff around the house.  And I know I'm ok. Pain doesn't mean something is wrong. It often is just a part of healing and rehab. 

I just need to breathe and not fear these tears. Alone tears are hell. And pretty soon I'm just going to have to stand on a street corner with a sign that reads,"will work for hugs," because I could use some.