tightrope

i spent what felt like a lifetime walking on a tightrope.  no net.  nothing to catch me.  step after step.  endless. no platform in sight.  thankfully, i was good at balancing.  held my arms out.  held onto those i held dear.  carried us.  myself.  my children.  praying every step.  praying.  hoping.  wishing.  dreaming.  my toes got used to the feel of the wire under my feet.  nobody noticed my precarious position.  and so, they would pile other things on to carry.  i would shift about and adjust and keep walking.  until hour after hour and day after day turned into year after year and decade after decade.  praying to be strong.  to hold on.  to be the woman who could trust god and make it work.  after all, it was my christian duty.  the call of the proverbs 31 woman.  it was to be my joy to serve.  and i pursued that.  relentlessly.  to serve.  to give wholeheartedly, as unto the lord.  to be joyful.  to give encouragement.  to be hospitable.  to have a quiet time.  to teach my children the way to god.  to be an example.  to not grow weary in doing good.  i knew the word.  it was etched on my heart.  and i knew god to the best of my ability as a frail human being.
eventually, tremors began pulsing through the tightrope.  it became undependable.  i had to concentrate more and more on simply staying on it.  prayed more.  cried out.  the tremors increased.  i begged to be raised up on wings like the eagles.  to walk and not grow weary.  desperate.  struggling.  knowing that i was indeed failing.  failing.  failing. i was going to let everyone down.  but what could i put down so that i could maintain balance a little longer?  how could i?  i was the strength.  i carried things.  i was the happy.  i was the cheerleader.  i was the hope.  if i stopped.  so much would be lost. so many would be hurt.  the loss would be incalculable.  so.    i.   stepped.    and.    stepped.    again.     and.   again.   and.    again.
and then
i fell.
gasp.
shock.
everything out of my grasp.
everyone.
but.
then.
i began to feel something new.
i wasn't plummeting down.
i wasn't precariously balanced.
i wasn't afraid.
i was soaring.
and looking around
i saw the others
gaining their wings too
and i realized
that the tremors
were from god himself
getting me off of the tightrope
inviting me
calling me
pushing me
to soar
with wings like eagles
and to let others do the same
to let him take care of it all
to realize that he always had been
and that i need not be enslaved by a little wire.
by those who were there to see the performance.
all i needed to do
was to fly
to him.
and i've not been the same
since the biggest fear of my life occurred
and i fell off of the tightrope
as a matter of fact
i'm better.
he answered my prayer.
he let me fall off of the tightrope.
blessings.