Finally

Finally.  For me.  Not because I should.  Not because it's expected.  Because I can.  Because it brings pleasure.  Because it's right.  I'm up today.  A little sick, but off the couch.  Bought a paint for my kitchen AND bathroom.  It's called Rockaway Beach...which happens to be one of my favorite memories of places to take my kids in Oregon.  It's a yummy gray...that's right you are reading right...I am painting a wall gray.  Yep.  And I decided it all by myself.  It's elegant and cozy and really pretty.  It matches my granite and my tile.  It takes away from the ugly cupboard color and makes the white trim look perky.  I am joyous. 
Making muffins this morning.  The kids are gone.  Making them because I want muffins.  And, yes, I did
make a mega batch so that kids will get some too.  I finally am going to enjoy my husband being gone.  Last time I couldn't.  Just kept dreading his return.  This time, I can.  And, I will.  My heart hurts regarding my son leaving, but I know with absolute certainty that it will pass.  My harshest binding and pain comes not from that but from my marriage.  He continues to act like everything is hunky dory.  Sad that I have never mattered more to him.  I realized in the night...when people should be sleeping....that for him everything else always came before us...first, himself.  Then, anyone and everything.  Then us.  And, when I started to move toward autonomy of my own, it angered him.  I get it.  But, I"m not going to live there.  I don't have to spend all of my time analyzing it either. 
Free to choose.  Sometimes people say that when they mean that you are making the wrong decisions but that they will be there anyway.  But, it means a lot to me...being free to choose.  It's the free part.  I need to be free.  Because I can't be pulled like I was or I'll get sucked under never to rise again.
But, today, I live.  Today, I will be a blessing.  And, I will be blessed.  For God gave me this day.  To live move and have my being.  He's amazing.
grace to you.