Shrugging it Off

It is often easier to shrug something off than to deal with it.  I think that in christianity that is what I've been trainedis the right thing to do.  Turn the other cheek.  Yes.  I agree.  But don't behave as if something doesn't matter.  Don't act falsely.  You can be truthful without having to seek revenge or harm another.  Though, I have to say that it is much more difficult than simply shrugging and acting as if it simply doesn't matter.  I face this almost daily in my marriage.  Or, currently in my live in situation....we are still married, but not living as such.  How to deal with those wrongs and hurts in a healthy way is difficult.  It's easier to pretend.  But, that is much like pretending that there's not a dead mouse on the porch....even if you act like it's not there, that doesn't keep the flies from gathering and the smell of decomposition from occurring.  No.  It's better to clean up the dead mouse, as unpleasant as that can be.  It is more pleasant to deal with it quickly than to let it remain becoming a bigger and stinkier problem.
I have shrugged off a lot over the years.  I have dealt with things that hurt me deeply.  What I did was essentially allow him to get stinkier about his behaviors towards me.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I fought for some things pretty hard.  It's just that I have never won on any front.  If I would say not to treat me that way, a long fight would ensue.....telling me all of the things that are wrong with me and it would be hours....literally...then he would cry and say he was sorry.  By then, it meant nothing.  It was all unloaded onto my shoulders.  It took me a long time to learn that this was a pattern.  I don't mean that I would yell at him or be angry when I told him something was bothering me.  I mean in a calm way.  Just trying to say what was on my mind and heart.  He trained me to shrug it off instead.
I don't know what has happened to make me see that I can't live that way.  He wonders why.  I think it was when I realized that I seemed to have no sense of confidence anymore.  None.  Not in an interview.  Not to decide what to buy.  Not to decide what I really want or need.  And, I finally had to break away.  Had to.  Or disappear completely.
Not that it was wrong to try to get along.  To try to simply be content.  Those can be good things.  But for me, that's all there was.  It was never reciprocated and my needs were never heard nor validated.  While I'm not into psychobabble, I do know that there are times that we have to realize that we, as an individual, hold value.  Not just because of what we do or what position we hold....mom, wife, teacher...no, just because we are each a unique individual and need to see who we are.  Who we are to become.  There are needs that have nothing to do with food or drink, safety or shelter.  They are the most basic needs of our soul.  We have to know that simply because we exist, we are valuable.  That we have merit.  That our thoughts and feelings are not wrong......but simply thoughts and feelings that need to be looked at and understood.  While we don't have to act upon them, trying to submerge them simply destroys us.  We begin to feel like we are drowning.  And, emotional drowning is at least as bad as physical for this one reason...we can be rescued from physical drowning by someone else.....in emotional drowning, we have to choose to be rescued...by God, by others, by our own self.  That can be tough when feeling absolutely overwhelmed.  When not having support or encouragement.  I know.  Because it happened.
I have good friends.  I have a marvelous church.  I have an amazing family.  But there was a person who was supposed to be on my side and wasn't...my husband.  And his attitude and behavior toward me chipped away at my self worth.  It caused me to withdraw more as I wondered what was wrong with me.  It isolated me.  And that was good for him.  And dangerous for me.  But, I am strong.  Though I forgot.  Though I allowed things that still hurt me.  And I began to pull out of that grip.  I began to pray to be free from that hold.  And, I began to tell him that he wasn't allowed to behave that way toward me anymore.  That didn't work, so I pulled away more fully and stood my ground.  It has been harder than anyone watching can imagine.  But it has been life giving as well.  For that I am grateful.  Thankful to God for upholding me.  A little sad for those onlooking to whom I can't or won't explain.  But, sometimes, what we do is simply right.  Though others can't see.  Though they don't know.  Because there are times when we just have to choose.  I had to choose.  And I did.  And I am.  And I will.
grace to you.