I Can't Believe It

You would think that I would be immune to the hurt and the self-centered way he lives his life.  But, I often get sucker punched. I think that happens because basically I like to believe the best about people.  I kinda figure that they are all just doing the best that they can.  I guess it's true of him too.  It just doesn't mesh well when trying to be married to him. 
So, the chick...he already knew it was dead.  Didn't tell anyone.  Didn't do anything about it.  Last night he took it out and threw it in a corner of the yard.  The chihuahua hauled it back out to the middle.  This morning she was trying to get something out there and I was trying to figure it out and he told me that he had tossed it out there.  I worked hard to save that chick.  I cared about it.  My daughter carried it around in a washcloth blankie.  And he throws it in the yard.  So, I'll go bury it so my daughter doesn't see it.  And I will get over my hurt.  And, yes,my anger.  Because I am angry.  Angry that he behaves as if all of the rest of us don't care about our animals.  Ridicules us in front of others about why we shouldn't have had another dog.  Says that we are not responsible.  I hurt for my kids that never get accolades for taking care of his chickens.
And now, beyond the animal thing, his chronic guilt trip is about how he doesn't "get" to go on a trip to New York that his church choir is going on.  He took off work and just doesn't "get" to go.  He didn't try.  He didn't say he was or wasn't.  All burden of decisions goes on me.  I guess I was supposed to sign him up?  Weird.  I'm so done with this kind of stuff.  Of being made to feel an inch tall because he didn't have his needs met. 
I lived life trying to say the good about him. Trying to build him up.  I read the books, read the Bible, listened to the older ladies.  I did what was supposed to work.  I prayed.  I cried.  I hoped.  I accepted him.  But he has never figured out that I gave a gift.  Because to him, I have never given enough.  And it will never be enough.  And I've just got to realize that and go on.  But it's hard to do.  But, holding on to someone who sucks up the hope and joy and energy...well, that's even harder.  Neither choice is what I wanted.  Explaining why I've gone for over 20 years with this problem.  I WANT to have the marriage that was great.  Not the fake marriage.  Not the tolerance marriage.  I didn't want the ended marriage.  But, I got it anyway.  Because the bottom line is that marriage isn't the paper that is filed in court...it is so much more.  And when the so much more part goes away, it doesn't really matter what is filed in court.  It's so sad that most days I just can't wait until he is gone and I don't have to be in the same house with him.  So sad that he missed out on someone who would give everything.  And, saddest of all...he doesn't even notice.  He notices me not in his bed.  But he doesn't notice lack of relationship because he is about him.  I need to remember that.  I need to forgive, but I need to NOT forget.  Because it's like I always forget and keep acting as if he cares like he should...and then the hurt comes all over again.  I need out of that cycle.  He only cares for what he gains.  He only gives to gain for himself.  Period.  He cries to gain control.  He simply gets worse, not better, over time.
And, I need to remember...I am beloved.  I am cherished.  I am worth dying for.  Because I have been.  And today, I'm going to live as that girl. 
Gotta go bury Omelette, our little chick.  Strange that those words made me cry.  I love easily.  I had forgotten that it's one of my great points.
grace to you.