Framework

For anything that is being built, the framework is important.  It determines size, shape, soundness.  The framework holds up everything else.  Sometimes, people acquire someone else's framework when building a house.  They buy a partially completed project.  That's fine.  IF the framework was well done and fits their needs.  But if it has one humongous bedroom and no other bedrooms and they have three kids, there is trouble brewing no matter how nice the house looks.  It will never be their home because it doesn't fit their needs.
A framework can also be there stylistically.  A color scheme, a shape, a pallet.  The colors of tile, paint and flooring help to determine what should go into a room.
So, if the framework is off; if it doesn't suit you, then the finished product will always be off as well.  For years, I have struggled to decorate in my remodeled home that has some basic "framework" issues.  Some tile that I really don't like, a paint color that is truly my least favorite color ever.  Yes, I had an interior designer.  I'm sure that she did a great job.  Just...not for ME.  For instance, I wanted white cupboards.  Simple enough.  We were buying all new ones anyway.  Nope.  Apparently I didn't want them....I was going to be much happier with a frost colored natural wood.  Can you say pink?  Ick.  So, for the years back in my house, I have had pink cupboards.  Not really...they are wood colored, but it's a pink undertone.  I have to try to decorate around them  Try to not notice them.  Keep them clean.  Treat them as if they are what I want because they are what I have.  I got....stuck.  At least for this time.
Well now, as you can imagine, I am alluding to something deeper.  My marriage is very similar.  I have had to decorate around something I never wanted.  Oh, I wanted a marriage...just like I wanted cupboards.....but, I wanted a real marriage.  I wanted to be cherished.  I didn't want to always walk around trying to figure out how to make someone else happy that simply doesn't want to be happy.  I wanted give and take.  Communication.  Spiritual growth together.  I wanted ministry and hospitality and openness to reign in our home.  For stuff to come second to the people that would come.  I wanted to be someone he was proud of.  None of these things are true.  Oh, I fought to make some of them appear to be true.  I bent and pulled and worked.  I was trying to change the basic framework.  But the thing is that at the very base......he is ashamed of me  And that is the framework.  Ashamed of what i do, how I do it and the person I am.  He covers it up.  He "tries" to behave as if he can or is changing it.  But, the framework isn't changing.  And as much as I "decorate" around it, the truth is....I want white cupboards.  I want what I really wanted in the first place.  I was up front and honest about what I wanted.  No hidden agendas.  I asked questions.  He answered.  But, what he never said was that he was too insecure to choose what he wanted.  That it's easier to choose and then make someone feel badly about how they aren't what they should be.  He has guilted me for so many years.  About money.  About housekeeping.  About sex.  About rest.  About parenting.  About driving.  About yardwork.  About how I spend my time.  About running the water when I brush my teeth, taking too long of showers.  About going to things he wants me to go to.  About his family.  Oh, always about his family. But he doesn't have a clue about what I need or how I work or what my internal framework is....and how hard I have worked to change and rearrange, to put myself aside, to live in his framework.  To make it work.  It should have been a joining, but that wasn't enough.  He has to be "right" and has to have it how he wants it.  And this framework based on guilt and trying to please....trying to be the "good christian woman"...is faulty.  It's not what God has.
I know that it's all messed up when I am relieved to see his car gone.  Thankful he has late meetings.  Has to go in early.  Has to do something on Saturday.
It worked for many years because he worked at night.  Slept in the day.  Spent very little time with us.  I was happier with that.  Although, I remember one night, I completely lost it.  Another guilt trip.  Another dose of what I wasn't.  And I was done.  The darkness at that point in life was suicidal.  I just wanted to die.  But how could I tell anyone that Mr. Perfect was the one pushing me there?  That his constant blame and pushing was driving me crazy.  Literally, I feared.  I told him it was killing me.  He called friends to "talk to me"...and he acted like he had no clue what might be wrong.  Talk about feeling like a complete idiot.  He would use people like that.  Knowing that I wouldn't rat him out.  That I wouldn't say that he was such a jerk and he knows exactly why I'm saying this.
He does not support.  Does not protect.  Does not give to others in his family.
He has a lot of attributes.  He is a hard worker.  He saves money.  He can be very funny.  He likes ot play sports.  He sings well.
But, unfortunately, those "decorations" aren't helping the framework anymore than rearranging the furniture helps with a horrible paint color.
And, I've spoken over and over about us rebuilding.  Making a firm framework.  His idea is that a firm framework is from simply being committed.  Mine is that being committed comes from building something worth being committed to.  And.  I'm done.  Sad though it is.  I'm tired of being the scapegoat and go to person for all of life's woes. I am ready to live.
I can't change our framework by myself.  God does know that I have tried to make it so....but, I can change the framework of my life.  And I choose to.
Gotta paint the cupboards.  It's going to be a tremendous amount of work.  But, it's a step toward the proper framework for my home.
grace to you