Seen. And not Rejected.

You know, I went to worship time at church this morning.  It was a gift to myself.  And to the One who made me for worship.  That I can get past it being about anyone else.  My husband wants all of life to revolve around him, but he is so painfully critical to those of us who could have given him so much.  And, finally, as I continue my journey, I know that I don't have to live in that place.  And, I don't have to give up the God who made me......AND, most importantly, that HE hasn't given me up nor given up on me.  He sees me.  He does not reject me.  He sees me.  He does not throw me away.  I am His.  DAy to day.
It does not make the rest of my life a picnic.  It does not mean that other realities aren't true too....because they are.  Deeply.  Painfully.  My husband has an elaborate game.  But, given ten minutes really together and it falters.  I am not able to be pushed into submission anymore.  Not the good kind, the harmful kind.  I am finally aware that I am a person. That my wrongs and sins and troubles do not mean that I should have to settle for someone treating me as if that is all that I am.  Because I am more.  So much more than those things.  I am those things as well.  Never near perfect....don't foresee it coming anytime soon....yet, perfectly accepted.  My story.  Beginning to end.  A love story.  Of being loved in and through all times.  And I used to think that I remembered that....my life having been as hard as it was, but I had truly lost the sense of it.  The sense of my own value. 
I watched him yesterday.  I realized that there is something about him that could be so wonderful.  That is wonderful?  Yet, it isn't for me.  For me, he has always remained more separate.  A wall?  No, not really...more of a list that I don't meet and so he can never truly find me acceptable. 
And I'm done.  I was seen and rejected.  And I stayed.  And I loved.  And I tried.  And I gave.  And I disappeared....I thought.  But, my time has not yet come.  I must live.  Give.  Feed the birds.  "Do" my story.  I must be someone.  Not just someone trying to make life ok for someone else. 
I also realized that I don't really care if I'm divorced.  No desire to date.  No desire to have someone else in my life who thinks that he gets to decide if I'm living up to what I'm supposed to be.  And, I don't want to have the courts involved in the final years of our kids at home. 
So, I'm thinking that maybe I could do one of two things.  Mostly, maybe I just suck it up and live like it is now.  Although the floor and couch are not the best, it is good for the kids not to have to choose or go from one to the other.  He could move out.  I know, in my dreams, right? 
I know that failure is not acceptable for him.  He can't stand it.  Competition has been and will be everything to him.  He always measures and evaluates and finds what is WRONG with others and RIGHT with him. 
And that is his right.  He gets to choose.  Ah ha.  Ding ding ding.  Lightbulb.  He gets to choose......and so do I.  How to respond.  How to live.  I allowed his right for so long that I forgot that I have a right to.  To be allowed the freedom and encouragement to become what was planned for me.  And blaming him if I don't do so is a copout...it just means that I didn't choose to do it.  Even if it's hard.
grace to you