Letting go.

You know, part of something else I am doing for me is letting go.  I've always held things together.  Made the plan.  Figured it out.  Hoped.  Kept believing.  And, I'm learning now to open up my hands and let go.  I'm learning to understand that though I desperately wanted to be loved.  Desperately wanted him to be the man that cherished me......just for me. He's not.
And, I'm learning to get over the fact that people don't or won't understand.  That they don't see.  That they will make judgement calls on misinformation.  And that I am not obligated to set them straight.  And...yet, I can stand up for myself if I need to.  Maybe.
Today, I felt strong at school.  Brave.  Like maybe I had something amazing to offer.  And, maybe I do.  Or, maybe I have something totally different to do.  But, it's not all about the job I have, it's about who I am and who I choose to become.  God made me with the ability to think and to choose.  He made me in His image.  That's hard for me to understand.  Hardest of all to let go of the feelings of failure.  Of completely not being enough.  Of knowing that I married the perfect guy who finds me less than acceptable.  But, in my MIND I know that it's all warped.  That there's some game going on.  That somehow it has made him feel better for me to feel that way.......and that is not right.
I am letting go.  Of pain.  Of hurt.  Of meanness.  I am letting go of revenge and payback.  I am letting go of constantly wishing and putting my hope in someone who always chooses himself.  Always.  But, I always jump back in and believe it'll be better the next time.
Letting go.  It's very....freeing.
And I'm hanging on to those who have loved me in my life just because I am.  Hanging on to those who choose me just because they want to. Hanging on to those who stay because I am important enough.  Hanging on to those who bother to keep up with me when I don't have what it takes to keep up with them.  Who trust that I will face these troubles and heartache and that I will be strong.  I need people like that.  But, they are not why or how I keep going.  God said He'd be there.  Always.  He always has.  And He says that He puts a banner of love over me.  And, I sense it for the first time in a long time....that He really does love me.  Not in my head.....in my soul.  That though He sees exactly how and where I am, He is not disappointed in me.
Interesting that I had to get to the point that I knew that I would be in this place that no matter what anyone...including God....thought of me, this is the reality of where I am.  That I could cover it over, shine it up, but the honest truth is that this is where I have been for a long time.  And He knew it then.
I'm letting go of having to make everything right.
But, I'm holding onto things that are real.  Things that matter.  Things that aren't ....things. ;)
Strangely, I have been giving more and more.  To the homeless.  In the Starbucks line...paying for the person behind me.  It's thrilling.  A nice tip for a barista.  Or a waitress.  I don't have the big bucks.  But I am cared for.  I am taken care of.  I can be kind.  I can be generous.  Because I have been given marvelous things by the One who provides ALL of my needs and much of what my heart desires.  He gives vision and purpose.  I had forgotten.  It's like new sight.  Like when you first get glasses.
Letting go.  Moving on.  Finding.......peace.  True peace.
grace to you.