Today

Today was a quiet day.  I didn't feel very well. Not sure if that's a physical tummy ache or an emotional one....perhaps both.  So, I've done some things, but not much.  Things like washing the rugs and shower curtain in the bathroom and cleaning the tub.  Did the dishes this morning....so, why oh why does it look like a train wreck now?  ;) 
Not having a job bothers me.  It helped me move forward.  Helped me to feel more able and more like maybe someday I'd teach again.  Made me have a purpose.  But, mostly, it kept me on a schedule.  I ate healthier.  I had people to interact with that were professionals.  I'm going to miss that and subbing isn't going to fill that gap. 
Today I wondered if I really could talk to anyone about my heart.  And I again decided that it's not that there is nobody...it's that I just can't bring myself to do it.  To pull on someone else.  My non counselor says I should.  My old friend says I should.  They seem to think that it's ok even if he is friends with my friends too.  I don't know.  Maybe I just have seen too much fallout in such situations.  So, today I wanted to do the coffee thing and sit and talk.  Wanted to go to this great place downtown and really talk about the important stuff.  But, newsflash:  my friends WORK!!! 
So, in all honesty, it was a very hard day.  But, I rested. Took care of me.  Examined why it's hard.  And decided that pizza is for dinner. ;)  He leaves on Tuesday for five days.  And I can't even be excited.  Because that is when my second son leaves home.  Sigh.  The good with the bad.  Isn't that life? 
Now he's making sad faces that he's not going on a trip that his choir is doing this fall.  He could have.  There were ways.  Possibilities.  But, so much better to be able to guilt me.  "I took off the time a long time ago in hopes that I'd be going on the trip to New York."  Great.  I didn't say anything.  It just reminds me that I am the local favorite scapegoat.  Kinda wonder what he'll do without me. 
If it were just me, I'd lay down and sleep til morning starting at about 8 tonight....but, that's not going to happen.  It's like I'm always waiting for time to rest.  Because I'm always on alert.  Always under the stress.  I don't know how to end that.  Well, I do.  But, I have to do it well.  Somehow.  I don't know why I care....the people who are going to talk and be mean have already labelled me a b**** anyway.  I try not to care.  I really do.  But, trying isn't always the deep down reality.  The reality is that I am pretty tender hearted.  That it's pretty easy to hurt me.  Though I'm also strong enough to come back....I'm going to try to focus on that.  Not that it doesn't or won't hurt, but that I can recover. 
grace to you.