You know, friends are important. Relationships are important. I give much thought to why. Especially in these days of pain and struggle. I have been asked by a counselor and by a friend, "do you have anyone to talk to?" And I wonder about that. Do some people really have nobody to talk to? I mean, that makes me so sad. But, I think that it is true. I choose not to talk about all of this very much. But the difference is that I am not alone. I have written and written....and there were times that I FELT alone. But that was because of me. Because I hold back. Because I am wanting to be wise and cautious. Because I want to be sure that I am not mean to my friends by making them have to choose. Recently I've been told that some of them might have to choose....and what will I do if.....?
I don't know what I will do if they choose not to be my friend anymore. Frankly, I know some pretty amazing people. I have been blessed that way. Over the top.
But I know what friends are for. Friends are not able to make the world completely right. They don't have to lie to you. They don't have to hide things. Friends are barometers. They show us who we are and help us with where we are heading. They walk with us. And we with them. And we laugh. And we cry. And we talk. And we are silent. But the thing is that we get it and are gotten with our friends. It is a safe place. A place to know that right or wrong we are loved not for what we do but for who we are. For what is known about us. Imperfections don't end a friendship.
But, there are different kinds of friendships. Different styles of friendship. Some I get, some I don't. But, I adore my friends. They make me smile. They are always there, even if only peripherally. I am blessed and uplifted by this fact.
I keep thinking about what the people...mentors....are asking me. Do I have people to talk to? Yes. I talk to all of you. Without holding back or filtering what I have to say. Without wondering if you will be there tomorrow. I get out the icky and the rambling thoughts so that I can face another day. So that I can choose to walk in joy and be full of hope.
But, blessedly, I have others that I can talk to. I am VERY careful. Not because they are not good friends, but because friends shouldn't be used. I love them. I want their very best. And, I want them to know me well. I want to be honest. But being open and honest doesn't mean dumping every last thing. I do have a friend or two that hold me straight on how I'm behaving. Painful? Sometimes. Appreciated? Immensely Trusted with my heart. With my feelings. With my ups and downs.
But, regarding this time, I don't really know how to deal with some of the finer points. It's not like I have a handbook.
Hurting? Yes. And sometimes I want to say to them, "but you really don't know the whole story....please see me without me having to tell it all....". It's hard that way.
My husband is so different with the crowd. I hate it now. Hate seeing how he acts like everything is perfect. Pretense. And I hate knowing that he looks so good. That his reputation is high. I helped with that. So, sometimes the fear creeps in......."will I actually get to maintain any of the friendships or will he have them all?" Not because they are not good friends, but because I know that they are good friends to him as well. The funny thing is that he is not a very good friend. He certainly never has been to me. Yesterday was just.....really hurtful. And yesterday, I felt alone. I wanted to reach out. I didn't. I hid in front of movies.
He is seething about my new computer. But he won't deal with it directly. And, I'm not going to go there either. You know, if he ever knew me, he would know what I need. I was thinking yesterday how I have always gone out of my way to be sure he has what he needs and what's important to him. Basketball shoes, baseball shoes, running shoes, drills, saws, tools of all sorts....I was the one who would go out and get them for him. I have always encouraged him to spend the money he needs to play sports or go on retreats. I have seen what helps him. What is important to him. He has never seen me. Though I tell him directly So, I will walk in joy and peace where I am and without trying to fix it all anymore. Because what is quite evident is that he just is good with the sham. Not me. i need real.
Now, off to enjoy JOY!
grace to you
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