Interpretation.

So, having had a lot of time of process my dream has been a good thing.  Let me fill you in.
Well, first of all, I've had two pretty bad interviews for teaching jobs....leaving me to feel, inadequate and flustered.  Hence, the whole part of my dream where I felt unprepared and troubled during my teaching day.  Then, the kids running off.....and they forgot something.....well....my kids are growing up and going to be moving on in not too long of time.  And, as I told my husband this last weekend, I can't picture being with him without the kids.  At all.  And that while I know that all things are possible with God, that the feelings and trust are gone.  That it's not a lack of love, it's just not being willing to be treated as if I don't exist for the rest of my life.  He didn't disagree. And when I talked about how he views me, as irresponsible and shameful, he didn't disagree there either.  So, the picture in my dream of seeing my children run off and disappear was pretty accurate.  And, of course, there's always that sense of, "did I get them ready enough?"  Beyond all of those things, the whole sense of being buried, unseen, unheard, stuck and suffocating......well, that is the sense I've had for a lot of years.  But, I have always tried to be still.  To not make any waves.  I've struggled to maintain a balance.  What I learned from my dream is that instead....I can wake up.  I have a choice to wake up and change what is happening.
Funny, that's what I told my husband also.  He is amazed that I'm not going to fight.  His mouth just kind of fell open when I said that though I didn't fight it didn't make everything right.  That such hurts don't just disappear, they have to be dealt with.  Told him to work on who he should be and I was going to work on who I should be.  And I told him how deeply and completely he had annihilated my hopes and dreams.  How I had hung on, hoped, given grace and how his calling me hard hearted was unfounded and unfair.  He said that I had said, "well, you were," and that meant that because he was that I thought it was ok for me to be.  I told him that what I really meant was that because he has been, he doesn't really have reason to point it out in me.  And.....I spoke of 20 years.  Anniversary this week.  How I had tried for TWENTY YEARS....not 18 months.  That I have been patient, have prayed for what was good and whole.  Have tried to let him be who he needs to be.  And that this marriage is not helping me to be someone I can be proud of.  That I have begged him over the years to figure out what is important to him and live that...because it is not me.  It's not our kids.  It's him.
But, I woke up from my dream.  With hopes and abilities to change from suffocating to living.  And I intend to.  To live wholly.
A lot is happening in my life.  Two boys leaving the home this summer.  One a junior and looking toward that day.  It's going to go by in a heartbeat, this next five years.  I don't want to live simply trying to catch a breath.  Trying to survive.  I want to revel.  I want to cherish.  I want to be me.  I find joy in the ordinary.
So.  I am waking up.  Learning to, at least.  And it's not too late.  To live.
grace to you.