Today I was...needy. Not really sad nor upset. Just simply needing to feel valued. That is a bit of a hard place. When sad, mad, heartbroken or upset, it's easier to describe to others. There's a "reason" a root cause.....an excuse to need the tender loving care. Today it was just a combination of life. And I wasn't sure what to do.
I went to a friend's house....she called it: "you escapin'?" I was a little surprised. Yes. Why do you think so. You have that look. I felt pensive. As if there were too many thoughts and not enough words or space to hold them all. As if I couldn't possibly even put them to words even in my head. Thankfully there are friends in the world where you don't have to. You can be quiet. Or chat. Or simply soak up the knowing.....knowing you are safe....knowing you are cared for....knowing that life goes on....knowing that they pray for you....knowing that they are willing to give you the "crazy" time....just reveling in the knowing is very healing to me. Deeply so.
I have been struggling with some of the more "abusive" issues in life. Trying to put words to them. In my mind, at least. Even here, I struggle to show it. Where does the shame come from? Because at the deepest place it is easier to blame myself. Easier to take responsibility. But not accurate. Oh, I have my fair share of things. I've yelled. I've cursed. Not often. Trust me, it has never been forgotten. I've asked for a divorce. I've done so much that's not pretty. Not kind. And repented. And literally begged forgiveness, but it has made this time even harder. I know that it's easy to see how short I fall from being the perfect wife. I get that. I know it. But the things he has done aren't flaws or momentary things. They are the very base. And I can't build on something that doesn't exist. I was proud to encourage him, to make him look good, to see him grow and do things....but, he is ashamed of me. Ashamed. At the core. That sucks. And he likes making me feel small....it builds him up in some way that I simply don't understand. But I've seen it. It is part of a cycle. That's what sex was too. A way to control. It's all so screwed up. And there are those moments when I struggle and wonder if I was ever worth loving. He will say how I'm the only one he chose to marry. That I've made life an adventure. But he has made my life a trial. A constant, literal trial to see what I can be found guilty of today. Or what our kids are guilty of. And I am worried. And I am hurt. And yet, it just makes me feel nutso because he's the "nice guy." That makes my stomach clench. How sad. I believed his story about how all of the girls always left him....the "nice guy"....for "losers". Hmmm.
And yet, the peace. the undying knowing..........I do not walk alone. Even if I'm just me. Not because I am good. Because Jesus already paid all of my debts. And I try to reconcile because I know He paid my husband's too. And I want to forgive. I want to be kind. But, when I reach out at all, he reels me in with more guilt. More passive aggressive garbage. And after being away from it a bit, it is so much more evident. I feel like such a sucker for falling for it over and over and over and over.....but, the truth is that I wanted to make it work. I wanted to be a good wife. It just wasn't that easy. Because I will never be good enough for him.
My heart was needy. But, I acknowledged my need. I sought help. I didn't use words. But now, in the late hours, I wonder if anyone knows what my life is like.
I think that mostly I just look mean. Even to those who love me. So be it. I cannot make it better by trying to let them see how bad he is. His snide remarks. That's ok. I have to let it be ok. Though there are times that I want to shout, "he's a jerk, a selfish and unkind jerk." That wouldn't really improve my standing or make anyone get it. I do wish he'd go away. I do wish that my friends wouldn't keep thinking that I should be a good wife and friend to him....by showing him all of the common courtesies....which he has never shown me or our kids. I know that it's not right to simply behave as he does, but I am to a point where I need to give myself permission to not be expected to be for him what someone who cares about me should expect me to be. He expects me to hear him. To do what he needs. To take care of things that I would take care of for others.....but he doesn't want a relationship.....it's about competition....about winning....and almost about owning. It scares me. But nobody else gets to see that. So, I have to suck it up and listen when they say that I should be polite or more helpful. They are right. It's a good life lesson. I do appreciate them. And I know that they are doing right to tell me what is on their hearts. I just feel like I can't DO it.
I need to spend some time taking care of me. I can tell. How, remains to be seen. Stay tuned....
grace to you.
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