Wuv. True wuv.

You know, I grew up with a complex that I never even knew I had.  The knight in shining armor fantasy.  The hope and dream that I would marry, have children and be a great wife and mother with a man beside me who would slay the dragons and throw his cape over the puddles.  But, alas, I am no princess and my knight does not exist.
And I think that the pain of it all is that it is the fantasy of every young girl.  Her prince charming.  Her knight.  What's funny......well, a girl will find a man who thinks she is a princess to be her prince charming.  It's not like it has to be a superhero.
But how did I get to the point that I lost my sense of self value?  That I felt ugly?  Fat?  Do you know that I never struggled with what I looked like BEFORE I was married?  And, the painful thing is that I have allowed someone so deeply into my heart that they did serious damage, not just the superficial things that get fixed up easily.
True wuv.  I know it exists.  I've seen it in the faces of the old people holding hands.  I've also seen simple tolerance.  I don't want to be tolerated.  It's simply not enough.  Right or wrong.  I want more than that.  And he doesn't want to give it because I don't deserve it.
So, though there is love...it's the kid because you have history and commitment.  But, if he doesn't back off, it will be more bitter.  It's hard to keep focusing on who I need to be when he keeps focusing on who I should be..He thinks all about himself  EXCEPT for when it comes to changing and growing...then it's anyone and everyone else's problem. 
No knight.  I wish I could have been the princess.  Or, I did wish it.  Now, I realize, I don't need rescuing.  And I don't need permission.  And I don't need a cape over a puddle....I like splashing in puddles and playing in the rain.  I will be fine.  I will breathe.  There is deep joy in reality.
grace to you.