Oh my goodness, I remembered in the tub what finally makes this big party make sense. The competition factor. He always has to win. Always. Some way. So....I had my son's birthday party....not even on his birthday. He had him on his birthday, the day before as well. Had a weekend day and a night that he could plan something. He didn't. But....I didn't invite him. So now, he is having this party for our other son and planning a big deal with all of "our" friends. And I finally get it. It just seemed so off in my mind, but NOW, I get it. He has to win. He has to show that he can do it bigger and better. He has to not invite me....not that I want to be at all.
At least I have a bit of understanding now. Though....I still do not get why he has always had to compete. With me. With our kids. With people at work. With his friends. Don't know. Don't have to worry about it anymore. Now, I get to just enjoy the fact that I have peaceful nights. Grace filled days. I get to enjoy living.
A friend from years gone by was talking to me on facebook. She was commenting on how I look so happy in my pictures from this summer. How I sound like myself again....she said, "your gleeful self." I KNEW that's what I had been.
So, I'm working on getting through feeling like an idiot with my friend. Not because she would care, because she loves me anyway. But because I just want to figure it out. I want to be able to have my friends....really have them...no pretense. Yet, I want to also honor boundaries regarding the fact that my ex is a part of their lives. Such is life. One of my friends told me that I'm going to have to make new friends. Move on. She was talking about how she would still talk to my ex and whatever. And somehow, in that moment, I hurt so much. I ended up leaving and going home because I had to go to work the next day, but really....it was just too much to swallow while I was sitting with my friends. I don't think that she realized what she was saying.
I'm just going to take it a moment at a time. I am going to enjoy this life. I am going to focus on good. I have to deal with this other stuff too...but it is not the bulk of my life. My kids, my friends and my job make up the bulk at this point. I'm going to revel in the good and let the bad sort itself out. It's true, I might just have to move on. As I sat there, I imagined my girlfriends sitting around the table without me. It was really hard. So....I think I'll just not think about it for now.
blessings.
At least I have a bit of understanding now. Though....I still do not get why he has always had to compete. With me. With our kids. With people at work. With his friends. Don't know. Don't have to worry about it anymore. Now, I get to just enjoy the fact that I have peaceful nights. Grace filled days. I get to enjoy living.
A friend from years gone by was talking to me on facebook. She was commenting on how I look so happy in my pictures from this summer. How I sound like myself again....she said, "your gleeful self." I KNEW that's what I had been.
So, I'm working on getting through feeling like an idiot with my friend. Not because she would care, because she loves me anyway. But because I just want to figure it out. I want to be able to have my friends....really have them...no pretense. Yet, I want to also honor boundaries regarding the fact that my ex is a part of their lives. Such is life. One of my friends told me that I'm going to have to make new friends. Move on. She was talking about how she would still talk to my ex and whatever. And somehow, in that moment, I hurt so much. I ended up leaving and going home because I had to go to work the next day, but really....it was just too much to swallow while I was sitting with my friends. I don't think that she realized what she was saying.
I'm just going to take it a moment at a time. I am going to enjoy this life. I am going to focus on good. I have to deal with this other stuff too...but it is not the bulk of my life. My kids, my friends and my job make up the bulk at this point. I'm going to revel in the good and let the bad sort itself out. It's true, I might just have to move on. As I sat there, I imagined my girlfriends sitting around the table without me. It was really hard. So....I think I'll just not think about it for now.
blessings.
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