Lights are out. I need to sleep. Tomorrow will come early as I have to leave the house about 6:50. Yet, here I am. Thoughts in my mind. Wishes. Dreams.
Here I am. A single mom. But, it doesn't feel much different on that front than it always did. I've always done the raising.
But I wish that I wasn't invisible. I wish that people would see that there was a lot of hurt. That it's not a joke. That it's not about them. That it's not contagious. That I am still a human being. A Christian human being even.
I am not perfect. Not remotely so. I cuss sometimes. I lose my temper. I wish for things that I don't have. I hold on when I should let go. I do not always do my best...though, at the time, sometimes it's the best that I can do for then. I am lazy at times. Nitpicky at others. I have so many faults of my own. I already know this.
And here I am. Trying to help kids get to where they need to be. Trying to let go and pray for them and lead by example rather than telling them what they ought to do. It's hard. Very hard. Half of the time I know that I'm messing up and the other half I'm not sure that I'm getting it right.
My aunt says that I've ruined them...like her sister did when she divorced. Maybe she's right. I just don't know. So many people are more spiritual than I. It seems to be so simple for them. But I struggle. I feel like God wants to grow me. To be with me. And not just in the part of my life that was married. But I broke a promise. And that is sinful. And people are telling me that in love. But they don't know that I really did take it seriously. But I still failed.
Yes, needing to go to sleep but also needing to just let God love on me for awhile. To hear Him tell me that He died for me.
I went to church today. I heard the message. I sang the songs and worked hard to keep my heart tuned to Him. But there are those who have the power to really hurt. Especially those who were once close. Who choose him. Who choose to believe that he is doing everything to fix all of this misunderstanding....as if it is a simple misunderstanding. That's what he treats it as. Like the depth of my pain does not exist. Even after all of this, after sitting in court and saying that I do not believe this can be fixed. After doing all of the paper work. He still refuses to hear me. That is how it has always been. I guess it is how it will always be. But he sure looks pathetic to others.
I don't want to. Well, sometimes I do. I want them to see the depth of my hurt. But, overall, I want to LIVE. To THRIVE. To GROW. I want to move on.
Somehow, I want to get past this being the main thing in my life. Maybe that's one reason I love my job so much.....there, I am not defined by this failure.
blessings.
Here I am. A single mom. But, it doesn't feel much different on that front than it always did. I've always done the raising.
But I wish that I wasn't invisible. I wish that people would see that there was a lot of hurt. That it's not a joke. That it's not about them. That it's not contagious. That I am still a human being. A Christian human being even.
I am not perfect. Not remotely so. I cuss sometimes. I lose my temper. I wish for things that I don't have. I hold on when I should let go. I do not always do my best...though, at the time, sometimes it's the best that I can do for then. I am lazy at times. Nitpicky at others. I have so many faults of my own. I already know this.
And here I am. Trying to help kids get to where they need to be. Trying to let go and pray for them and lead by example rather than telling them what they ought to do. It's hard. Very hard. Half of the time I know that I'm messing up and the other half I'm not sure that I'm getting it right.
My aunt says that I've ruined them...like her sister did when she divorced. Maybe she's right. I just don't know. So many people are more spiritual than I. It seems to be so simple for them. But I struggle. I feel like God wants to grow me. To be with me. And not just in the part of my life that was married. But I broke a promise. And that is sinful. And people are telling me that in love. But they don't know that I really did take it seriously. But I still failed.
Yes, needing to go to sleep but also needing to just let God love on me for awhile. To hear Him tell me that He died for me.
I went to church today. I heard the message. I sang the songs and worked hard to keep my heart tuned to Him. But there are those who have the power to really hurt. Especially those who were once close. Who choose him. Who choose to believe that he is doing everything to fix all of this misunderstanding....as if it is a simple misunderstanding. That's what he treats it as. Like the depth of my pain does not exist. Even after all of this, after sitting in court and saying that I do not believe this can be fixed. After doing all of the paper work. He still refuses to hear me. That is how it has always been. I guess it is how it will always be. But he sure looks pathetic to others.
I don't want to. Well, sometimes I do. I want them to see the depth of my hurt. But, overall, I want to LIVE. To THRIVE. To GROW. I want to move on.
Somehow, I want to get past this being the main thing in my life. Maybe that's one reason I love my job so much.....there, I am not defined by this failure.
blessings.
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