For so long I worked. And stayed. And put myself aside. And suffered. Because I had this sense that if I could deal with all of the behavior. Work through all of the stuff.....carry it myself. Stay though I was dying. Then, somehow it would protect those I love. My kids. My friends. Turns out that perhaps I was right.
I am happier, but I have this dull ache in knowing that my being "freed" has caused pain to others. That by my decision it causes choices to have to be made. Awkwardness in how they should behave. I despise that. I feel like I did that. Oh, in my heart there are lots of things that I know that he did. And I know that being with him isn't right for my life. That the way he treated me...treated our kids...wasn't healthy. That our relationship was toxic. I know it. But, it doesn't stop me from mourning the loss of having protected others. I want their lives to be peaceful.
Sometimes I have that "I just wish that I could just disappear and not cause them any more trouble" feeling. I know it isn't all my fault. And yet....one of the most painful parts of all is the fact that my decisions have affected many.
Don't know what to do. It's not like I want to unfriend them all....not like that would make it all better. I just didn't know that it would pull at them so much. I guess I thought somehow that he would leave me to my friends. Wrong. Very wrong.
I think I should go to sleep before I melt into tears......again. This part is too hard to figure out.
And I don't help it by sharing my hurts with my friends. How lonely that makes it for me. But I keep coming back to the fact that if I suffer, it was my choice....if they suffer, it wasn't their choice. They could have been quite content with life as it was.
Sigh. Life is messy.
I am happier, but I have this dull ache in knowing that my being "freed" has caused pain to others. That by my decision it causes choices to have to be made. Awkwardness in how they should behave. I despise that. I feel like I did that. Oh, in my heart there are lots of things that I know that he did. And I know that being with him isn't right for my life. That the way he treated me...treated our kids...wasn't healthy. That our relationship was toxic. I know it. But, it doesn't stop me from mourning the loss of having protected others. I want their lives to be peaceful.
Sometimes I have that "I just wish that I could just disappear and not cause them any more trouble" feeling. I know it isn't all my fault. And yet....one of the most painful parts of all is the fact that my decisions have affected many.
Don't know what to do. It's not like I want to unfriend them all....not like that would make it all better. I just didn't know that it would pull at them so much. I guess I thought somehow that he would leave me to my friends. Wrong. Very wrong.
I think I should go to sleep before I melt into tears......again. This part is too hard to figure out.
And I don't help it by sharing my hurts with my friends. How lonely that makes it for me. But I keep coming back to the fact that if I suffer, it was my choice....if they suffer, it wasn't their choice. They could have been quite content with life as it was.
Sigh. Life is messy.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.