Today was a hard day. It has all turned out fine. It was actually full of really wonderful things. But, my ex has a way of making me feel crazy. He does little things that hurt deeply. So glad it's not every day anymore.
Today was spent celebrating my last son's 16th birthday. It was good. And it was hard. Because another son had a meltdown. Of which he has recovered from now, but for me, it is reminiscent of my relationship with my husband...how he would have to vomit all of his stuff and fight and be unreasonable....and then behave as if all should be ok. I am working hard to teach my son a new model. Talking it through. Reminding him that I will always love him. And that I trust that he loves me. But, he said some really hurtful things. Not that they weren't true....about how he can't really notice his dishes sitting around because our house is such a wreck....and more details. It was a diversion tactic, I know. And yet....on top of having my husband be manipulative today, it just did me in. Like I melted inside. And I had company all day.
One friend that was here is in deep need. Life is falling apart around her. A son needed to vent...a different son. And another girlfriend was needy too. It is never "my turn." I always have to be on call and ready to hear it, but today, I just needed to be the one to be weary, hurt and heard. It was like everything was so much on top of the fact that I'm sick and exhausted. It was a good day, but draining for me. Because I know that I have to be spot on, wide awake, ready to rock and roll tomorrow. And I have been physically and emotionally taxed. I find that my ex has a way of still finding what he can do to hurt.....not to help.
But I have a good night's sleep to look forward to. And the excitement of a new job to propel me along. But I have so much work to do and I feel rather alone in it. Other people were talking about their friends that were coming in to help them and how their husband's do all of this stuff....or boyfriends....and I was thinking how alone I am in the world. Sometimes it's really hard. Not being without a husband...but not ever having had that kind of husband. Sometimes it just hurts.
And sharing is nearly impossible. Even with those I love. That charming ex hovers around them. Has his fingers sunk in deep. It hurts me more than I am ever able to explain. In a very deep place. Though I can intellectually figure out how it needs to be for others.
I should sleep. Made a mistake of checking my email. He wrote. Didn't say anything horrible...it's just always so emotional to see his email address pop up because I don't know what's coming.
Needing a good, long holding on hug.
Needing sleep...I was not even a good hostess because I finally said that they could stay and talk but that I had to go lay down....ah, the words of every good hostess. :) Oh well.
blessings.
Today was spent celebrating my last son's 16th birthday. It was good. And it was hard. Because another son had a meltdown. Of which he has recovered from now, but for me, it is reminiscent of my relationship with my husband...how he would have to vomit all of his stuff and fight and be unreasonable....and then behave as if all should be ok. I am working hard to teach my son a new model. Talking it through. Reminding him that I will always love him. And that I trust that he loves me. But, he said some really hurtful things. Not that they weren't true....about how he can't really notice his dishes sitting around because our house is such a wreck....and more details. It was a diversion tactic, I know. And yet....on top of having my husband be manipulative today, it just did me in. Like I melted inside. And I had company all day.
One friend that was here is in deep need. Life is falling apart around her. A son needed to vent...a different son. And another girlfriend was needy too. It is never "my turn." I always have to be on call and ready to hear it, but today, I just needed to be the one to be weary, hurt and heard. It was like everything was so much on top of the fact that I'm sick and exhausted. It was a good day, but draining for me. Because I know that I have to be spot on, wide awake, ready to rock and roll tomorrow. And I have been physically and emotionally taxed. I find that my ex has a way of still finding what he can do to hurt.....not to help.
But I have a good night's sleep to look forward to. And the excitement of a new job to propel me along. But I have so much work to do and I feel rather alone in it. Other people were talking about their friends that were coming in to help them and how their husband's do all of this stuff....or boyfriends....and I was thinking how alone I am in the world. Sometimes it's really hard. Not being without a husband...but not ever having had that kind of husband. Sometimes it just hurts.
And sharing is nearly impossible. Even with those I love. That charming ex hovers around them. Has his fingers sunk in deep. It hurts me more than I am ever able to explain. In a very deep place. Though I can intellectually figure out how it needs to be for others.
I should sleep. Made a mistake of checking my email. He wrote. Didn't say anything horrible...it's just always so emotional to see his email address pop up because I don't know what's coming.
Needing a good, long holding on hug.
Needing sleep...I was not even a good hostess because I finally said that they could stay and talk but that I had to go lay down....ah, the words of every good hostess. :) Oh well.
blessings.
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