Having kids in the midst of this difficult time has been a good thing. And a challenge. Because intense stress makes everything else in life harder. Even being a mom. Having kids is also a blessing. Because they are stress reducers too. With laughter and kindness. I have to practice breathing each day. This last few weeks trying to get my son ready for his driving test has been challenging at best. It has been hard because I'm working hard, stressed about stuff with the ex....and supposed to be calm and polite in the car when he decides to push my buttons. He has been a total butt lately. But not today. Today he was great. Really really great. And I took a breath. As it was easy again. And then another breath. And he got even better. It's like we both hold our breath and become oxygen deprived and unable to function very well.
I know that he loves me. He does. And in his weird way, I know that he's trying to protect me. It has just been too much lately. With no outlet. Who do I tell?
How do I express the depth of pain? I don't. I dance around it. But I never just say the words that I've said here. I just want people to hear my heart. Without me having to bad mouth. I want to be trusted to have made the best decision that I could, but it's hard to "prove it" to people without telling them the yuckiness.
So.....I try to walk a thin line. Try to figure out how to get what I need without having to dish out dirt. It's much harder than I imagined. And so, stress is usually carried alone. Or slightly diminished by giving a nutshell version of what is happening so that others can kinda empathize and give me an outlet to let out a little bit of pressure.
I was trying to be kind when I went for a legal separation instead of a divorce. But somehow it feels like my kindness backfired. I was clear that I didn't want to remain married. That I had no intention of getting back together. But what I've found is that it lets him say somehow that he is married....but...he's not. The courts said so. It's a legal deal. I knew that he would like it better because divorce is such an anti-biblical thing. It's all so stinking hard. I get tired of having to be the bad guy. Or of looking like it.
But, tomorrow, guess what? He's going for a fishing trip. He won't be at church. Oh yeah. Maybe I will be able to do it.
Gonna read and relax. And maybe finish laundry.
blessings.
I know that he loves me. He does. And in his weird way, I know that he's trying to protect me. It has just been too much lately. With no outlet. Who do I tell?
How do I express the depth of pain? I don't. I dance around it. But I never just say the words that I've said here. I just want people to hear my heart. Without me having to bad mouth. I want to be trusted to have made the best decision that I could, but it's hard to "prove it" to people without telling them the yuckiness.
So.....I try to walk a thin line. Try to figure out how to get what I need without having to dish out dirt. It's much harder than I imagined. And so, stress is usually carried alone. Or slightly diminished by giving a nutshell version of what is happening so that others can kinda empathize and give me an outlet to let out a little bit of pressure.
I was trying to be kind when I went for a legal separation instead of a divorce. But somehow it feels like my kindness backfired. I was clear that I didn't want to remain married. That I had no intention of getting back together. But what I've found is that it lets him say somehow that he is married....but...he's not. The courts said so. It's a legal deal. I knew that he would like it better because divorce is such an anti-biblical thing. It's all so stinking hard. I get tired of having to be the bad guy. Or of looking like it.
But, tomorrow, guess what? He's going for a fishing trip. He won't be at church. Oh yeah. Maybe I will be able to do it.
Gonna read and relax. And maybe finish laundry.
blessings.
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