You know, I keep thinking that some things won't matter anymore...eventually...like where to put the bed. But as of now, it still does. We used to share this room but what seems nearly harder for me is that it was his .for a year or more. I struggle not intentionally. Not by overthinking it....but with my emotions when I begin to think of how to do my room. I need something different. I need a peaceful room. I can't even make it clean. It's as if I'm frozen. Trying. Doing some things. Just held back by the ropes of sadness and hurt that are associated. I need good sleep...and I get much better sleep than I used to. But, the little cot is little. ;) I am not so sure that I will ever be completely relaxed in this room....but maybe so. Maybe it will be just fine.
Someday. Eventually. I can't rush it. I can't just decide. I try. But my emotions remind me of a wound...they heal over time and though I can take care of them and keep them clean and try not to injure them again, I cannot will them to heal.
So, when "where to put the bed" is a painful, troublesome thing, it makes everything so hard. I know that I need to do a great cleaning. And I know that I will bawl. Be troubled. And I have so many other things to do. So, I put it off. I get past it and go in the closet. But not enough to keep it nicely. I am going to need to purge a lot of things around my house in time, I think. But, seems hard on my kids right now. Not to mention my budget.
The good news about working so hard at work is that I don't have time to focus on these silly, painful things. I know that they are silly. Nonetheless, I still feel them. I don't want to. I want to go on. But he hurt me. Deeply. And I'm learning about me through this. So, I must take the time. I must walk through this. It's a part of moving on.
I have very kind friends. Dear people. That is good. And though I need to be careful around them, at least I still have a place to be loved.
My stepmom is going to remain friends with both of us. That's what I figured. And it seems petty to try to explain to anyone how painful that is. That everyone sits on the fence. Work friends are good in that I don't have to work at making small talk because we have a common topic already. Church is hard to make new friends right now because I just don't have that energy in me. And I am always associated with the guy who sings in choir.
I need to learn to put my room together. Kinda like a metaphor for putting my life together. In a healthy organized way. I trust that it will happen. In time. I found a canopy bed for sale at a local thrift. Maybe I'd like that......Just need to let me heal. In the time it takes. Without the pressure of making it easier for others.
I do have joy. I do have dreams. I do have hope. Those things have sprung to life. And though there is pain in this time, I know that pain is a part of healing.
I have only one regret...that I didn't divorce him. Sad, huh? Yeah, I know.
blessings.
Someday. Eventually. I can't rush it. I can't just decide. I try. But my emotions remind me of a wound...they heal over time and though I can take care of them and keep them clean and try not to injure them again, I cannot will them to heal.
So, when "where to put the bed" is a painful, troublesome thing, it makes everything so hard. I know that I need to do a great cleaning. And I know that I will bawl. Be troubled. And I have so many other things to do. So, I put it off. I get past it and go in the closet. But not enough to keep it nicely. I am going to need to purge a lot of things around my house in time, I think. But, seems hard on my kids right now. Not to mention my budget.
The good news about working so hard at work is that I don't have time to focus on these silly, painful things. I know that they are silly. Nonetheless, I still feel them. I don't want to. I want to go on. But he hurt me. Deeply. And I'm learning about me through this. So, I must take the time. I must walk through this. It's a part of moving on.
I have very kind friends. Dear people. That is good. And though I need to be careful around them, at least I still have a place to be loved.
My stepmom is going to remain friends with both of us. That's what I figured. And it seems petty to try to explain to anyone how painful that is. That everyone sits on the fence. Work friends are good in that I don't have to work at making small talk because we have a common topic already. Church is hard to make new friends right now because I just don't have that energy in me. And I am always associated with the guy who sings in choir.
I need to learn to put my room together. Kinda like a metaphor for putting my life together. In a healthy organized way. I trust that it will happen. In time. I found a canopy bed for sale at a local thrift. Maybe I'd like that......Just need to let me heal. In the time it takes. Without the pressure of making it easier for others.
I do have joy. I do have dreams. I do have hope. Those things have sprung to life. And though there is pain in this time, I know that pain is a part of healing.
I have only one regret...that I didn't divorce him. Sad, huh? Yeah, I know.
blessings.
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