Worn

Today, I needed a hug.  But there were so many needy people in the world.  So, I hugged.  And I listened.  And I did my job and stayed at work to finish letting kids go though I wanted to run out the door and go be with my girl before she did a weekend away.  The other teacher at my post is usually late and usually leaves early.  I am there every day. I had decided that today I would say that I was going to have to leave early.  She never showed.  I had to stay.  I was running behind.  I did make it to meet up with my sweet girl.  And get a few minutes.  And, she actually came and told me good bye right in front of all of her friends.  Intentionally.  Kindly.  Makes me teary even now.
And the boys are here but I just need grown up time.  I need to not be needed to cook and solve and plan and whatever right now.  I just need to rest my mind and do whatever I choose.  I know it seems selfish, but I've been going strong.  I've been emotional but still going.  And maybe it's needing the time to cry yet again.  To mourn the fact that my boys got such a shitty deal with a role model of how to be a man.  How to say you are sorry.  How to talk.  How to express love.  How to love and not use. 
Yep, I needed to be taken in.  Nurtured.  But...nobody to do that in my life.  My aunt pretty much put it out there....you'll have to do it on your own.  Nobody to call.  Nobody that would know that I'm hurting.  I try to express it, but with so much need around...it just seems silly.  These times come when I have to deal again with who he was in my life.  The needs that went unmet.  The constant giving.  I'm not unused to it.  I just don't want to live like that anymore.  So I'm here in my room alone.  My son made soup and is waiting for his dad.  The other one is sleeping and will wake up to play games late. 
It's just a hard night.  It'll pass when I've had some rest and grieved a bit.
blessings.