I just need to be around people who want to laugh again. I adore all of my friends. There's a lot of stuff going on. Tonight I threw something out there that I will know if my one friend shares it. It's not a huge deal thing, but if I hear about it, I'll know where it came from. I sure hope that I don't. Tonight was a heavy time together. And I was weary. And I needed to talk. Didn't really get the chance to finish. But, somehow, no matter how the time is, it's good to just love on them and know that they love me even when I'm a mess.
Yet, sometimes, I realize that the bottom line is that I don't really get to be a mess. It's more of an aside. Nobody realizes how badly I need the hugs or the encouragement. And I feel like I'm putting it out there as plain as possible. No matter. I have found some truths in life. One of them is that I am stronger than I think I am. And that I don't have to be. That I can fall apart and still be ok. I am dangerously close, I think.
I need to back off and give space to others. That's hard because my heart craves the deeper, adult interaction. But it's not really fair to be taking so much. Or to be feeling so needy.
I do not enjoy my ex. I don't like who he seems to be with others. It hurts me more than it helps. I guess he probably views it as showing me how he is doing the right things. Somehow all it screams to me is how little he gave to me for how much he is showing everyone else.
Someone told me tonight that I'll end up with someone. I have no interest in doing so. I just want to try to remember that I'm important. I feel completely lousy this week. Low. Too much ex stuff. But...also, sometimes, it's just hard to quit playing that tape from having been with him for so long. The one that says that I'm not good enough. I look around my house and think "I'm a lousy housekeeper." I look at the rental house that we own and I think, "he's going to stick it to me someday that I didn't keep up well enough with maintenance no matter what I do." I need to hire someone to go do some things, but I have so much on my plate. Guess I just need to keep praying. It will all happen. God has great timing.
I just feel so alone. Like I've always parented alone. Like I have to face my questions about my job alone. Like.....I am pushed away. As if others can't come here and hold my hand through it. And I guess that's true.
I need to really laugh. To play. I need a real hug. I am really sad tonight. Nearly heartbroken. And there's really not anyone to care. How sad to have gotten this far in my life and to have to walk this alone. He sucks. I hate that he's friends with my friends. I hate that I can't just say he's a jackass and not care. Hate it. Hate that I'm such a drain and they probably wish I'd just perk up.
Yep.....I really need to laugh.
blessings.
Yet, sometimes, I realize that the bottom line is that I don't really get to be a mess. It's more of an aside. Nobody realizes how badly I need the hugs or the encouragement. And I feel like I'm putting it out there as plain as possible. No matter. I have found some truths in life. One of them is that I am stronger than I think I am. And that I don't have to be. That I can fall apart and still be ok. I am dangerously close, I think.
I need to back off and give space to others. That's hard because my heart craves the deeper, adult interaction. But it's not really fair to be taking so much. Or to be feeling so needy.
I do not enjoy my ex. I don't like who he seems to be with others. It hurts me more than it helps. I guess he probably views it as showing me how he is doing the right things. Somehow all it screams to me is how little he gave to me for how much he is showing everyone else.
Someone told me tonight that I'll end up with someone. I have no interest in doing so. I just want to try to remember that I'm important. I feel completely lousy this week. Low. Too much ex stuff. But...also, sometimes, it's just hard to quit playing that tape from having been with him for so long. The one that says that I'm not good enough. I look around my house and think "I'm a lousy housekeeper." I look at the rental house that we own and I think, "he's going to stick it to me someday that I didn't keep up well enough with maintenance no matter what I do." I need to hire someone to go do some things, but I have so much on my plate. Guess I just need to keep praying. It will all happen. God has great timing.
I just feel so alone. Like I've always parented alone. Like I have to face my questions about my job alone. Like.....I am pushed away. As if others can't come here and hold my hand through it. And I guess that's true.
I need to really laugh. To play. I need a real hug. I am really sad tonight. Nearly heartbroken. And there's really not anyone to care. How sad to have gotten this far in my life and to have to walk this alone. He sucks. I hate that he's friends with my friends. I hate that I can't just say he's a jackass and not care. Hate it. Hate that I'm such a drain and they probably wish I'd just perk up.
Yep.....I really need to laugh.
blessings.
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