good day

I usually have a good day.  Almost have always had good days in my life.  No, my life has not been easy.  No, I was not sheltered.  No, I didn't earn it.
I choose it.  And the more I get away from the ick that I was living in, the more I see how it's a gift.  It's a lifestyle.  It's finding the good and the smiles, the joy and the peace...in the midst of whatever the circumstances happen to be.  I find it comforting.  That my peace is not contingent upon everything in the world.  I am safe.  There is a shelter inside of me, not protecting me from the things that happens, but from the effects of them.
It is this very thing...this very way that has been instilled in me...deep in my soul....that shows me how bad it had been for me in my marriage.  Because that sense was robbed.  Over and over and over again, I found myself bereft.  And the one who should have been a comfort, a helper, an encourager, was simply a taker.  A perpetrator of things that hurt me to my very core.
I can't expect others to understand.  For they don't have the ability to look inside of me and know me that way.  But, it's how I know that God understands.  Because He saw not just what was going on on the outside, but how it was destroying the inside.
I keep trying to remember....I am safe now.  In time, it will become more comfortable feeling safe on a normal basis.  For now, I just enjoy being on my own to heal.
blessings.