I am finally in a safe place in life. A place where it's ok not to have it together. Not to have it figured out. Not to be afraid of failing. I spent so many years squelched. Squished. Expected to.....so many things. I never felt free to fail. Nor to evaluate in order to do better. It's as if I was expected to keep on running and never figure out which direction I actually wanted to choose.
But now...I DO get to choose. And while it has been kind of painful, enough so that I haven't spoken nor written of it until now, I have found the ability to evaluate. Who I am. Who I want to be. What kind of mom I am. What kind I want to be. What kind of employee I am. What kind I want to be. What kind of friend I am. What kind I want to be. It's all a bit painful actually. Seeing reality and not what I wish I was. Being painfully honest with me. In the quietness of my self. Finding that it's ok. It's safe not to have it together. God doesn't mind. He's got plans for me. And He loves me right where I am.
I have so far to go that I'm thinking that my kids will be grown before I figure it out, but that's ok...we'll still have a relationship and I can keep working on myself to become the woman, the mom, the friend that I want to be. It's never too late. And failure is just a vehicle for learning. Period.
Though I lived with someone that competed and pushed and just made me feel so small...now I do not. And I was mistaken back then not to be more responsible to continually evaluate. To choose with intention the direction that I want to head. It's as if dreams were not allowed. I have great dreams. I see who God plans for me to be. At least a little bit. And I am, bit by bit, evaluating how to get there.
I don't behave in ways that always make me proud. But I want to. I want to be a hard worker. But not a person that works hard to avoid living. I want to be a good mom, but not the "perfect" mom...I want to be transparent with my kids. Vulnerable. Kind. More and more kind. More and more gracious. Let them know that I am pleased with them. I fell into bad habits during marriage. I spent so much time being stressed about him being stressed or irritated that I was either harder or easier on the kids than I should have been. I want to be fair. I want to see them. I want to make them know that I am absolutely for them.
I want to change how I'm a friend. Some people are so good at it. And I have been a good friend at times in my life. However, again, bad habits spring up while in survival mode. I want to listen better. Really listen. I want to be thankful and express it. I want to be open and willing to be critiqued. I don't think that I'll ever be the person with a ton of close friends. It's really not even in my personality. I had to set that idea aside as I have come to know myself better. I am better at only a few at a time. My introverted personality doesn't always do me well in the friend making department. But rather than spending so much energy on trying to behave as an extrovert, I'm going to concentrate on building my strengths with what I DO have. I am an encourager. I am fiercely loyal. I love well. I have trouble expressing it, but I have what it takes in my soul. I have trouble speaking of hard things, but I am working on it. I often used to write them, but I am giving my attention to speaking instead. Gives others an opportunity to respond or even disagree. And somehow, I have to learn how to ask for what I need. I am lousy at that. But, knowing that allows me the chance to grow.
As an employee, I want to GROW. To learn more. To give a full day's work for my pay. I want to do my best to do my best. ;) Not perfectly, but constantly looking for how to do things better. I want to teach superbly. I have to learn how to handle the organization of paperwork. That is true in much of my life.
Yes, I'm evaluating myself. Without malice. With gentleness and extravagant amounts of hope. I see how healthy it is. How freeing.
blessings.
But now...I DO get to choose. And while it has been kind of painful, enough so that I haven't spoken nor written of it until now, I have found the ability to evaluate. Who I am. Who I want to be. What kind of mom I am. What kind I want to be. What kind of employee I am. What kind I want to be. What kind of friend I am. What kind I want to be. It's all a bit painful actually. Seeing reality and not what I wish I was. Being painfully honest with me. In the quietness of my self. Finding that it's ok. It's safe not to have it together. God doesn't mind. He's got plans for me. And He loves me right where I am.
I have so far to go that I'm thinking that my kids will be grown before I figure it out, but that's ok...we'll still have a relationship and I can keep working on myself to become the woman, the mom, the friend that I want to be. It's never too late. And failure is just a vehicle for learning. Period.
Though I lived with someone that competed and pushed and just made me feel so small...now I do not. And I was mistaken back then not to be more responsible to continually evaluate. To choose with intention the direction that I want to head. It's as if dreams were not allowed. I have great dreams. I see who God plans for me to be. At least a little bit. And I am, bit by bit, evaluating how to get there.
I don't behave in ways that always make me proud. But I want to. I want to be a hard worker. But not a person that works hard to avoid living. I want to be a good mom, but not the "perfect" mom...I want to be transparent with my kids. Vulnerable. Kind. More and more kind. More and more gracious. Let them know that I am pleased with them. I fell into bad habits during marriage. I spent so much time being stressed about him being stressed or irritated that I was either harder or easier on the kids than I should have been. I want to be fair. I want to see them. I want to make them know that I am absolutely for them.
I want to change how I'm a friend. Some people are so good at it. And I have been a good friend at times in my life. However, again, bad habits spring up while in survival mode. I want to listen better. Really listen. I want to be thankful and express it. I want to be open and willing to be critiqued. I don't think that I'll ever be the person with a ton of close friends. It's really not even in my personality. I had to set that idea aside as I have come to know myself better. I am better at only a few at a time. My introverted personality doesn't always do me well in the friend making department. But rather than spending so much energy on trying to behave as an extrovert, I'm going to concentrate on building my strengths with what I DO have. I am an encourager. I am fiercely loyal. I love well. I have trouble expressing it, but I have what it takes in my soul. I have trouble speaking of hard things, but I am working on it. I often used to write them, but I am giving my attention to speaking instead. Gives others an opportunity to respond or even disagree. And somehow, I have to learn how to ask for what I need. I am lousy at that. But, knowing that allows me the chance to grow.
As an employee, I want to GROW. To learn more. To give a full day's work for my pay. I want to do my best to do my best. ;) Not perfectly, but constantly looking for how to do things better. I want to teach superbly. I have to learn how to handle the organization of paperwork. That is true in much of my life.
Yes, I'm evaluating myself. Without malice. With gentleness and extravagant amounts of hope. I see how healthy it is. How freeing.
blessings.
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