nightmare

it's so hard.  i keep thinking i'm going to get past it.  but i find myself back there.  i went to sleep fairly early.  exhausted from the week and just stuff.  but then, i just awakened from a nightmare.  it was one of thosse that is so real that it takes awhile to wake from and the bad thing keeps happening.  now i feel completely ill.
and alone.
i don't know anyway to not be alone in these times.  even if you try to reach out, it's hard to explain as an adult what terrified you.  and that it was "only" a dream.
only.
the terror i felt when he was around me...not because of hitting...because he made me feel unsafe.  i hate reliving it.  hate being subjected to a breach of my peace.
blech.  at least my heart is slowing down.  a bit.
amazing how the fright stays even when i have managed to get myself awake and away from the fearful, real feeling things.  i know it was "only" a dream.
all i wish is that someone could walk in there with me and see how terrifying it is.
i wish too that he would own what he did.  how he harmed.  i can't go back.  can't even think of it.
ill.  tears coming.
sigh.
but...it's not most nights anymore.  there is progress.
i just am so pained.  i want to be all done.  guess i have to be patient.  but boy....twas too scary.