Say What I Need

I work so much harder than ever to say what I need.  To express what is in my heart and how I need to be with people who help my heart.  But, what I'm learning time and again is that both parties get to express their need.  And somehow, my needy times always coincide with others needing something else.  So, I have to continually stuff back those feelings.  Find an outlet that is differnt.  It's really hard.  Harder than I ever imagined. 
So many nice people in the world.  Yet, on days like today, when my heart just needs bolstering, it seems that there are two scenarios...both of which have happened.  Get together and talk about the other person and their needs and feelings.  Or, conversely, no time to get together.  And for either, I can't really blame them.  I'm way too needy.  Kinda a pain in the rear.
But the truth is that even though I completely understand it, I still have needs.  I still just wish that it could be different.  And it makes me wish that I were different.  Because I don't get how some people can be totally needy and just show up and it is fine to be needy.  How some seemn to be allowed to be always needing.  That it's ok. 
I just still feel invisible.  I began looking at homes at the beach again today.  It hurts to realize that maybe I just need to start over.  That it's too hard on people to be my deeper friend while knowing him.  They really don't want to hear.  It's too painful.  I get it.  It doesn't stop my tears.  But at least I am able to not guilt them anymore.
Guess what I am trying to learn the most is to tell myself what I need.  And even when I can't get it, to not tell myself that there is something wrong with me.  I lived with that for so long that it's hard not to fall into those feelings.  Hard to maintain my sense of value.  Of being precious.  I feel....faulty.  As if there is something simply wrong with me for wanting to be hugged tightly or comforted.  I just feel.....invisible.
I should just work around the house and get over it I know.  But the ache is debilitating sometimes.  Maybe that's why I am suddenly wanting a bigger bed.  So that I can stay in it longer.  Kinda tired of trying right now.  Weary.  Love so much in my life and yet feel like I've lost the important parts.  Like I'm visible to those who are work related and completely not to those who I've known for so long.  He wins.  Period.  More popular, more charismatic, more outgoing. 
Somehow it seems like because I wanted this that people don't understand how much I am dealing with from what I lived through.  From trying to survive.  Everything is just supposed to be hunky dory for me now.
Siiiggghhhh.
I am just so.....tired of doing that thing they say you are supposed to do....be vulnerable, say what you need, reach out....blah blah blah.  It's too painful because really, it doesn't seem to work for me.  Maybe I'm broken.