A Fine Art

I have to develop a fine art that will make me a better christian woman.  I'm not exactly racking up christianwoman points in the world these days.  I hear it in voices, words and see it in faces.  The disappointment.  A good christian woman would have made it work.  Would have held it together.  Would be nicer.  Kinder.  Would not divorce her husband.  No matter what.  And, I hear the criticism with a cringe.  I've believed it myself.  Apparently still do to a degree.  It wasn't that I suddenly became a believer in divorce.  It's that I became a believer in a God who gives dignity.  Who has a purpose.  Who sees me.  Who believes that I am not worthless.  Just like I am.  Not IF I happen to improve in some way.  And so, the fine art that I shall have to master is how not to give a damn what those good christian people think about me.  Even when it's hard.  I need to focus on getting better.  I need to focus on my kids getting better.
Even if getting better is really messy.  Even if it looks like I've really blown it now.  My boys had a knock down drag out...but they also spoke words.  Real feelings.  Deep feelings.  They spewed out some of the pain.  They were finally honest.  Our home looked so good because it was the great cover up.  Their dad has not been there for them emotionally ever.  He now does stuff with some of them, but he doesn't connect.  He doesn't give them a sense of acceptance.  He doesn't realize that being a father requires more than just giving the sperm.  Or playing with them.  He doesn't get that it isn't their job to make him look good by being successful.  They long for truth and commitment.  For unbiased, unchanging favor in his eyes.
So...on to learning not to give a damn.  They have not lived the hell I lived.  They don't know.  Period. I don't have to impress them.  I do have to be well.  Healthy.  I do have to teach my kids how  dearly beloved they are.  So....off to do so.
blessings.