Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Continuously. Forever. Until the end.
It feels like I'm holding my breath tonight. Like I'm scared to breathe. Like I keep getting it wrong. Even when I want to get it right. Am I really a non person? When did I go so far away that even when I say what I'd like I'm still invisible? Unheard. Unseen. If nobody really sees you, do you really exist? Do you really matter? Really? Or am I just important in my own mind? Thinking that perhaps I should deserve some kind of kindness or grace. Just feels like I can't break out. I can't be or do because I'm.........broken? I can't suddenly be visible to those who have been looking through me. I can't be heard when they assume that I don't have needs.
Tonight I went to a holiday open house. Great people there. I am lousy at small talk. Incredibly, indescribably terrible. I like people. But really, I like them best not in large groups that I have to navigate. I went because I had thought that afterwards maybe I'd do dinner or something. It was a long week. In so many ways.
I guess because I am generally happy. Generally make the best of whatever. I guess....that it makes me rather a non person. I'm just sad that I can't be the person that my friends deserve. There it is. I knew that there was some underlying thing. I mean, it's one thing to be socially inept, but what I guess hit me tonight is how it means that I don't really meet the needs of people around me. I don't have the right words. I don't ask the right questions. I don't even know why I'm so weird seeming. Just am.
I have to keep breathing. Sometimes I am just so ready to sell my house and move along. Just feel....unnecessary. Nobody see,s thankful that I'm around. I don't make a difference. Sure, I care about a lot of people...but it just feels like everyone keeps pushign me to make other friends, or go on a date or find others or ....well, the theme is to get out there. The theme is never, "I'll be there, bud." And I keep give the space people need. To not break down, trying to be that strong. To not lean too hard. To now how. Kinda pathetic, right? I don't mean that nobody cares. I just mean that it feels like they all need more apartness when I am needing comfort and closeness. And like I'm not doing very well at giving anyone what they need. Probably not a very good friend right now...though, I'm truly healthier than I was.
Here I am. A mess. Again. Still. With nobody to talk to. Getting ready to watch some shows. Nobody needs me with them. It makes me sad that I don't fill them up. It makes me sad that I am so pathetic that I can't even get friends to go to eat. It's a norm. And I'm no good at having dozens of friends. It's too taxing on me.
I don't question that there is a purpose to this time. All times can and will be used. I just.....so want.....to be seen. To have those who are around me most to know how my heart is. To even want to know. I want to fit in. I want to quit saying the stupid stuff. I want to quit asking people to do things knowing that the answer will be no and that I'm so pathetic that I always say yes.
I want to breathe without thinking about it.
Damn him. Truly, he was a real jerk. He messed with any sense of value I had. I can know I have it. But, my experiences are not telling me so.
And it makes me hurt. Ache. Cry. It makes me long to just be able to say to someone, I really just need some TLC. But, for me, who would there be?
I don't ever want to get married again. Ever. No interest. None. I just want to be good relationally. I want to be healthy. I want to get past the hurt of how it feels to be...overlooked. I just want to live. I think that I'm so sad because I'm remembering how much I love this woman that I really am. How much she means to me. And.....I ache that nobody wants to be close to her.
Gosh. Gotta breathe. In. Out. Repeat.
It feels like I'm holding my breath tonight. Like I'm scared to breathe. Like I keep getting it wrong. Even when I want to get it right. Am I really a non person? When did I go so far away that even when I say what I'd like I'm still invisible? Unheard. Unseen. If nobody really sees you, do you really exist? Do you really matter? Really? Or am I just important in my own mind? Thinking that perhaps I should deserve some kind of kindness or grace. Just feels like I can't break out. I can't be or do because I'm.........broken? I can't suddenly be visible to those who have been looking through me. I can't be heard when they assume that I don't have needs.
Tonight I went to a holiday open house. Great people there. I am lousy at small talk. Incredibly, indescribably terrible. I like people. But really, I like them best not in large groups that I have to navigate. I went because I had thought that afterwards maybe I'd do dinner or something. It was a long week. In so many ways.
I guess because I am generally happy. Generally make the best of whatever. I guess....that it makes me rather a non person. I'm just sad that I can't be the person that my friends deserve. There it is. I knew that there was some underlying thing. I mean, it's one thing to be socially inept, but what I guess hit me tonight is how it means that I don't really meet the needs of people around me. I don't have the right words. I don't ask the right questions. I don't even know why I'm so weird seeming. Just am.
I have to keep breathing. Sometimes I am just so ready to sell my house and move along. Just feel....unnecessary. Nobody see,s thankful that I'm around. I don't make a difference. Sure, I care about a lot of people...but it just feels like everyone keeps pushign me to make other friends, or go on a date or find others or ....well, the theme is to get out there. The theme is never, "I'll be there, bud." And I keep give the space people need. To not break down, trying to be that strong. To not lean too hard. To now how. Kinda pathetic, right? I don't mean that nobody cares. I just mean that it feels like they all need more apartness when I am needing comfort and closeness. And like I'm not doing very well at giving anyone what they need. Probably not a very good friend right now...though, I'm truly healthier than I was.
Here I am. A mess. Again. Still. With nobody to talk to. Getting ready to watch some shows. Nobody needs me with them. It makes me sad that I don't fill them up. It makes me sad that I am so pathetic that I can't even get friends to go to eat. It's a norm. And I'm no good at having dozens of friends. It's too taxing on me.
I don't question that there is a purpose to this time. All times can and will be used. I just.....so want.....to be seen. To have those who are around me most to know how my heart is. To even want to know. I want to fit in. I want to quit saying the stupid stuff. I want to quit asking people to do things knowing that the answer will be no and that I'm so pathetic that I always say yes.
I want to breathe without thinking about it.
Damn him. Truly, he was a real jerk. He messed with any sense of value I had. I can know I have it. But, my experiences are not telling me so.
And it makes me hurt. Ache. Cry. It makes me long to just be able to say to someone, I really just need some TLC. But, for me, who would there be?
I don't ever want to get married again. Ever. No interest. None. I just want to be good relationally. I want to be healthy. I want to get past the hurt of how it feels to be...overlooked. I just want to live. I think that I'm so sad because I'm remembering how much I love this woman that I really am. How much she means to me. And.....I ache that nobody wants to be close to her.
Gosh. Gotta breathe. In. Out. Repeat.
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