Final Hours

Here I am at the end of the holiday week.  It was wonderful really.  I felt good to get to be at home with my kids.  It was mellow...except for those parties. ;)
I am worried about the pain traveling up my arm now.  Not sure what to do.  Not sure why it just makes me feel so stupid.  I get tired of having to push.  I am not good at it.  Too hard.  So...somehow, God is going to have to make clear to me what to do.  I mean, I don't exactly have enough money to just keep going back to the e.r.  And...I don't really know what to say.  "Hey, I have a question and my doctor never would call me back."
Getting back to being healthier will be good for me.  More tea.  More water.  More good food....less fats.  Man, I've packed it in for three days.
My son went to a meeting last night.  Says he'll go tonight.  Some of the people smoked weed during break.  I hope that it disgusts him.  Opens his eyes.  He's smart.  God has a plan for him.  The push was hard.  His wife seems thankful.  I just hope he keeps it up.  It's easiest to start.  Hardest to follow through.
I've had to come to grips with the "I'll pray for you" attitude that I run into.  Not "what do you need?"  Not "how are you doing?"  Not "wow, it must have been bad to have you make this decision."  Nope.  Just "I'll pray for you."  And silence.  Wow.  Why does that feel like using God?  Probably because the time that my husband seemed interested in talking about what God wanted was when I said that I was done.  When I told him that I wanted a divorce.  That was years ago.  He told me that it wasn't "allowed".  It was "sinful".  He sings praises.  He works with kids.  But, for me, his actions are just a clanging cymbal.  There is not love.  It's just....busyness.  For the sake of being good or being better or competing.  So...it stands to reason that those who are using God as the way to bow out of my life hurt me.  But, I have to let it go.  They are doing what they need to do for now.
But, it has been quite a week.  Got my boy his permit.  But, taking him out is hard for me to fathom.  He deserves it, but his dad is set on teaching him.  Now, won't that just create another break for he and his brother?  He had plans with his dad today to play a game...instead they went to a restaurant and watched a football game.  I wonder how long he will hang on doing what his dad wants.
I worked hard around the house earlier this week...parties and clean ups.  Laundry.  The regular stuff.
And I'm in my final hours thinking...was I invited to anything?  Did I just invite myself?  I'm going to learn to not invite myself.  Being alone has got to be better than just feeling like you are not invited.  It's that whole intruding thing.  Feeling like I'm pushing myself on people.  Not interested anymore.
Then...there's that whole boy going to TX thing that I worked out.  Now, his sister is writing he AND I regarding the son's travel plans.  Making it a big deal to arrange pickups and such.  Quite easy....really, it is.  Yes, we'll send someone.  She could respect that I wrote her for a reason.  My son wasn't making his arrangements around his dad.  Guess she doesn't get that.  Hope they don't try to push him.  After last summer, he said he wasn't going back.  They need to let him take as long as it takes.  Otherwise, he won't be going anymore.
And yet, with all of the hard things this week....I am doing well.  Recovering.  Healing.
I am going to make it.
blessings.